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New Dating Website Helps Plus-Size Jewish Plane Crash Survivors Find Love

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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New Dating Website Helps Plus-Size Jewish Plane Crash Survivors Find Love

NEW YORK—With its promise to help users “find that special someone,” the new dating website jcrashplus.com launched earlier this month, inviting all single Hebraic peoples with a BMI above 25 who have lived through an airline crash to start a free trial membership. “Since I joined JCrashPlus, I’ve already been on three dates with Jewish girls over 200 pounds who escaped from smoke-filled aircraft cabins via an emergency slide. I couldn’t be happier,” Brooklyn, NY resident Josh Green said of the website, which allows members to filter their search for Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform Judaism, cause of crash, and most frequent late-night snack craving. “Believe it or not, I even came across a girl who survived the same crash as me, but she was a little too thin and devout for my tastes.” Green went on to state that he isn’t looking for a long-term girlfriend right now, just a casual hookup with whom he can go to Buffalo Wild Wings after Shabbat services and trauma counseling.

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