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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Dating Website Helps Plus-Size Jewish Plane Crash Survivors Find Love

NEW YORK—With its promise to help users “find that special someone,” the new dating website jcrashplus.com launched earlier this month, inviting all single Hebraic peoples with a BMI above 25 who have lived through an airline crash to start a free trial membership. “Since I joined JCrashPlus, I’ve already been on three dates with Jewish girls over 200 pounds who escaped from smoke-filled aircraft cabins via an emergency slide. I couldn’t be happier,” Brooklyn, NY resident Josh Green said of the website, which allows members to filter their search for Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform Judaism, cause of crash, and most frequent late-night snack craving. “Believe it or not, I even came across a girl who survived the same crash as me, but she was a little too thin and devout for my tastes.” Green went on to state that he isn’t looking for a long-term girlfriend right now, just a casual hookup with whom he can go to Buffalo Wild Wings after Shabbat services and trauma counseling.

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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