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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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New Department Of Interior Program To Reduce Deer Population By Providing Free Condoms To Fawns

WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb rising deer populations nationwide, the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Monday that will provide free condoms to all of the country’s fawns. “While we’re still pursuing a number of other methods to control the population, ensuring that condoms are available free of charge is an easy and effective way to reduce the risk of pregnancy for young deer,” said Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, explaining that fawns can discreetly take as many condoms with spermicidal lubricant as they need from large bowls that have been placed near streams, meadows, and thickets. “We are not just providing prophylactics throughout the forest for the benefit of bucks. This program also hopes to empower does by distributing emergency contraceptives in piles of soft twigs and lichen.” According to sources, the program will be supplemented by circulating pamphlets that educate about the dangers of unprotected sex in areas where young deer tend to frolic.

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