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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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New Department Of Interior Program To Reduce Deer Population By Providing Free Condoms To Fawns

WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb rising deer populations nationwide, the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Monday that will provide free condoms to all of the country’s fawns. “While we’re still pursuing a number of other methods to control the population, ensuring that condoms are available free of charge is an easy and effective way to reduce the risk of pregnancy for young deer,” said Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, explaining that fawns can discreetly take as many condoms with spermicidal lubricant as they need from large bowls that have been placed near streams, meadows, and thickets. “We are not just providing prophylactics throughout the forest for the benefit of bucks. This program also hopes to empower does by distributing emergency contraceptives in piles of soft twigs and lichen.” According to sources, the program will be supplemented by circulating pamphlets that educate about the dangers of unprotected sex in areas where young deer tend to frolic.

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