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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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New Department Of Agriculture Study Finds 85% Of U.S. Farmers Woefully Kicking At Dirt

WASHINGTON—According to a Department of Agriculture study released Friday, the vast majority of U.S. farmers have recently finished squinting off into the horizon and are, at present, woefully kicking at the dirt. “Based on our research, we can confirm that 68 percent of American farmers are currently removing their hats and wiping the sweat from their brow with the back of their arm, with an additional 26 percent coughing into a threadbare handkerchief,” the report read in part, noting that if they had not done so already, most farmers in the U.S. would soon spit on the ground beside them before staring up at the clouds and reckoning the possibility of rain. “The data indicate that while American farmers may or may not be chewing on a single length of wheat, nearly all of them are at this time squatting down to inspect a dried, shriveled beanstalk.” The study concluded that 100 percent of American farmers would, within moments, lazily shake their heads and lament that things just ain’t what they used to be.

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