New Department Of Agriculture Study Finds 85% Of U.S. Farmers Woefully Kicking At Dirt

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Department Of Agriculture Study Finds 85% Of U.S. Farmers Woefully Kicking At Dirt

WASHINGTON—According to a Department of Agriculture study released Friday, the vast majority of U.S. farmers have recently finished squinting off into the horizon and are, at present, woefully kicking at the dirt. “Based on our research, we can confirm that 68 percent of American farmers are currently removing their hats and wiping the sweat from their brow with the back of their arm, with an additional 26 percent coughing into a threadbare handkerchief,” the report read in part, noting that if they had not done so already, most farmers in the U.S. would soon spit on the ground beside them before staring up at the clouds and reckoning the possibility of rain. “The data indicate that while American farmers may or may not be chewing on a single length of wheat, nearly all of them are at this time squatting down to inspect a dried, shriveled beanstalk.” The study concluded that 100 percent of American farmers would, within moments, lazily shake their heads and lament that things just ain’t what they used to be.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close