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New Desk Chair A Boring Dream Come True

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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New Desk Chair A Boring Dream Come True

BUCKLIN, KS—The arrival of a royal-blue Global Armless Task Chair at Allstate Insurance Monday marked an extremely mundane "dream come true" for human-resources aide Patty Keely. "I so love my life," said a giddy Keely, 31, without a shred of irony. "I've been wanting a chair with wheels for so long, but I never thought [office manager] Don [Frissel] would get me one. Now my chair won't make that horrible scraping sound every time I stand up to file something. Yes!" Now that she has a new desk chair, Keely said she fantasizes about one day buying a Chevrolet Cavalier or visiting her cousin in Branson, MO.

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