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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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New Desktop Folder Created For Sad Little Creative Project

CANTON, OH—According to sources, local sales associate Dan Herzfeld, 29, created a new desktop folder on his office laptop this morning for the sad little creative project he’s working on. “I’m going to have a lot of documents for this, so I need to stay organized and have everything in one place,” said Herzfeld of the deeply depressing virtual folder, titled ‘Skyzone Stuff,’ which reportedly includes seven heartbreaking little subfolders including ‘First Drafts,’ ‘Second Drafts,’ ‘Character Bios,’ and ‘Misc.” “It’s just a single hub where I can access everything quickly, that way if I need to look at the revised outline or my one-sheet pitch, I don’t have to search all over my hard drive for the docs.” At press time, the poor son of a bitch was dragging a file titled “Ideas for Scenes” into the folder.

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