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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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New Desktop Folder Created For Sad Little Creative Project

CANTON, OH—According to sources, local sales associate Dan Herzfeld, 29, created a new desktop folder on his office laptop this morning for the sad little creative project he’s working on. “I’m going to have a lot of documents for this, so I need to stay organized and have everything in one place,” said Herzfeld of the deeply depressing virtual folder, titled ‘Skyzone Stuff,’ which reportedly includes seven heartbreaking little subfolders including ‘First Drafts,’ ‘Second Drafts,’ ‘Character Bios,’ and ‘Misc.” “It’s just a single hub where I can access everything quickly, that way if I need to look at the revised outline or my one-sheet pitch, I don’t have to search all over my hard drive for the docs.” At press time, the poor son of a bitch was dragging a file titled “Ideas for Scenes” into the folder.

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