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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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New 'Do Not Kill' Registry To Allow Americans To Opt Out Of Being Murdered

WASHINGTON—A bipartisan coalition of U.S. Congress members announced Tuesday the creation of the nationwide "Do Not Kill" Registry, which gives citizens the convenience of choosing whether or not they would like to be violently murdered. "Obviously, we understand there are many Americans who would rather not be disturbed at dinnertime by an ax-wielding maniac, and that's why we are providing this service," said Sen. Mike Enzi (R-WY), who explained the law would also regulate the practice of random robokilling. "All citizens will have to do is supply us with their names and telephone numbers and we will make sure to block any further bothersome visits from killers smashing down their doors and ruthlessly murdering them in front of their screaming families." While the new program is proving to be popular, critics have pointed out that more than 2,000 of the people who have signed up for the registry have been stabbed to death in their driveways simply because they didn't realize it takes 30 days to go into effect.

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