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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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New ‘Doctors Without Licenses’ Program Provides Incompetent Medical Care To Refugees

GENEVA—Determined to provide shoddy, substandard care to the world’s refugees, the new humanitarian organization Doctors Without Licenses began sending its first wave of decertified physicians, pre-med undergraduates, and “those just curious about the human body” to conflict zones around the globe this week. “Our mission is simple: Wherever a displaced population is suffering from lack of medical attention, our dishonored and dangerously unqualified medical non-professionals will be there to deliver purely guesswork-based care and recalled medication free of charge,” said DWL Executive Director Phillipe Lapointe, who began practicing medicine earlier this week after downloading several episodes of House. “Within 24 hours, a team of critically inept DWL volunteers can be anywhere in the world misdiagnosing diseases, incorrectly suturing wounds, forgetting to sanitize instruments, or shrugging their shoulders during complications in childbirth. And we will stay until either the refugees can safely return to their homes or we run out of things to try.” Lapointe added that DWL is currently seeking donations, specifically any old needles or outdated medical textbooks people have lying around.

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