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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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New ‘Doctors Without Licenses’ Program Provides Incompetent Medical Care To Refugees

GENEVA—Determined to provide shoddy, substandard care to the world’s refugees, the new humanitarian organization Doctors Without Licenses began sending its first wave of decertified physicians, pre-med undergraduates, and “those just curious about the human body” to conflict zones around the globe this week. “Our mission is simple: Wherever a displaced population is suffering from lack of medical attention, our dishonored and dangerously unqualified medical non-professionals will be there to deliver purely guesswork-based care and recalled medication free of charge,” said DWL Executive Director Phillipe Lapointe, who began practicing medicine earlier this week after downloading several episodes of House. “Within 24 hours, a team of critically inept DWL volunteers can be anywhere in the world misdiagnosing diseases, incorrectly suturing wounds, forgetting to sanitize instruments, or shrugging their shoulders during complications in childbirth. And we will stay until either the refugees can safely return to their homes or we run out of things to try.” Lapointe added that DWL is currently seeking donations, specifically any old needles or outdated medical textbooks people have lying around.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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