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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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New ‘Doctors Without Licenses’ Program Provides Incompetent Medical Care To Refugees

GENEVA—Determined to provide shoddy, substandard care to the world’s refugees, the new humanitarian organization Doctors Without Licenses began sending its first wave of decertified physicians, pre-med undergraduates, and “those just curious about the human body” to conflict zones around the globe this week. “Our mission is simple: Wherever a displaced population is suffering from lack of medical attention, our dishonored and dangerously unqualified medical non-professionals will be there to deliver purely guesswork-based care and recalled medication free of charge,” said DWL Executive Director Phillipe Lapointe, who began practicing medicine earlier this week after downloading several episodes of House. “Within 24 hours, a team of critically inept DWL volunteers can be anywhere in the world misdiagnosing diseases, incorrectly suturing wounds, forgetting to sanitize instruments, or shrugging their shoulders during complications in childbirth. And we will stay until either the refugees can safely return to their homes or we run out of things to try.” Lapointe added that DWL is currently seeking donations, specifically any old needles or outdated medical textbooks people have lying around.

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