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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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New Documentary Reveals SeaWorld Forced Orca Whales To Perform Nude

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on widespread abuses faced by orcas in captivity, a new documentary titled Under the Surface revealed that killer whales at SeaWorld and other marine theme parks are forced by trainers to perform—sometimes as often as seven times per day—completely in the nude. “These majestic creatures are required, time and again, to swim naked out in front of crowds of thousands, perform humiliating tricks entirely in the buff, and then expose their bare bodies to men, women, and children by repeatedly breaching their tanks,” animal rights activist Marissa Abelson told reporters at a screening of the film, adding that even when the whales are not performing they aren’t permitted to cover up and are left in solitary confinement, often forced to spend all night floating nude in undersized tanks. “And what’s most humiliating is how, during the shows, the trainers make them lie there unclothed and beg for food. It’s sick.” When reached for comment, a spokesman representing SeaWorld said the film completely misrepresents their orca programs, namely due to the fact that trainers work tirelessly to promote a positive body image for the whales and occasionally allow shyer orcas to perform in jeans.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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