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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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New Documentary To Finally Shed Light On Nation’s Fast Food Chains

WASHINGTON—Americans across the country expressed their excitement Wednesday over the upcoming release of Value Meal, a feature-length documentary that will, at long last, shed some light on America’s fast food restaurant chains. “I’ve always wondered if eating fast food could potentially have some health risks, so I’m looking forward to watching Value Meal and finding out about some of the heretofore unexamined pros and cons of this industry,” said Denver resident David Jarrett, adding that he is looking forward to the documentary exposing the inner workings of the likes of McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s to the general public for the very first time. “Finally, we’ll get a glimpse into how fast food restaurants operate behind the counter—how they produce and cook the food, their treatment of livestock and general farming practices, and the working conditions of their employees, so that I can learn what problems, if any, exist at these establishments. Man, it’s about time someone made a documentary like this, you know?” Reached for comment, extremely anxious executives from every major fast food corporation expressed their terror to reporters that Value Meal may dissuade Americans from ever eating at their restaurants again.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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