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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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New Documentary To Finally Shed Light On Nation’s Fast Food Chains

WASHINGTON—Americans across the country expressed their excitement Wednesday over the upcoming release of Value Meal, a feature-length documentary that will, at long last, shed some light on America’s fast food restaurant chains. “I’ve always wondered if eating fast food could potentially have some health risks, so I’m looking forward to watching Value Meal and finding out about some of the heretofore unexamined pros and cons of this industry,” said Denver resident David Jarrett, adding that he is looking forward to the documentary exposing the inner workings of the likes of McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s to the general public for the very first time. “Finally, we’ll get a glimpse into how fast food restaurants operate behind the counter—how they produce and cook the food, their treatment of livestock and general farming practices, and the working conditions of their employees, so that I can learn what problems, if any, exist at these establishments. Man, it’s about time someone made a documentary like this, you know?” Reached for comment, extremely anxious executives from every major fast food corporation expressed their terror to reporters that Value Meal may dissuade Americans from ever eating at their restaurants again.

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