New Documentary To Finally Shed Light On Nation’s Fast Food Chains

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Holiday

New Documentary To Finally Shed Light On Nation’s Fast Food Chains

WASHINGTON—Americans across the country expressed their excitement Wednesday over the upcoming release of Value Meal, a feature-length documentary that will, at long last, shed some light on America’s fast food restaurant chains. “I’ve always wondered if eating fast food could potentially have some health risks, so I’m looking forward to watching Value Meal and finding out about some of the heretofore unexamined pros and cons of this industry,” said Denver resident David Jarrett, adding that he is looking forward to the documentary exposing the inner workings of the likes of McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s to the general public for the very first time. “Finally, we’ll get a glimpse into how fast food restaurants operate behind the counter—how they produce and cook the food, their treatment of livestock and general farming practices, and the working conditions of their employees, so that I can learn what problems, if any, exist at these establishments. Man, it’s about time someone made a documentary like this, you know?” Reached for comment, extremely anxious executives from every major fast food corporation expressed their terror to reporters that Value Meal may dissuade Americans from ever eating at their restaurants again.

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