New E-Toilet To Revolutionize Online Shitting

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Vol 35 Issue 36

Area Bar Used To Be Cool; Now Lame

EAST LANSING, MI—Michigan State University seniors reported Tuesday that Sparty's Tavern, once the coolest bar in East Lansing, has deteriorated into a state of total lameness. "Man, I remember my first year here, Sparty's was the place to go Friday nights," said communications major Chad Resnick. "Now it's all full of freshmen and stuff." Psychology major Caryn Trimble agreed, adding, "They used to have $2 pitchers on Wednesdays. And the jukebox used to have the coolest music, like Bob Marley and Dave Matthews. Now it's all just Top 40 shit."

Local Man Casually Mentions Upcoming Birthday

DURANGO, CO—Awareness of Donald Shrifkin's upcoming birthday was raised among his co-workers Monday, when the soon-to-be 38-year-old casually mentioned the special day during a departmental meeting. "Yeah, so, I'm gonna be out of the office on Friday, because it's my birthday, and I'm taking the day off to make a three-day weekend out of it," Shrifkin told a group of fellow sales representatives. None of Shrifkin's co-workers said they intend to mark the occasion in any manner whatsoever.

CNN To Get All Information From In-House Channel 'CNN-CNN'

ATLANTA—In a telejournalism first, CNN announced Monday that from now on, all of its information will come from its own 24-hour, closed-circuit news channel, "CNN-CNN." "The old method of gathering news, in which information was culled from the Associated Press, Reuters, our own reporters and the other 24-hour news channels, was inefficient and needlessly complicated," CNN owner Ted Turner said. "Now, we have a single, consolidated, in-house news source to which CNN can turn exclusively." If the venture is successful, an airport version of CNN-CNN, CNN-CNN-Airport News, will be launched for traveling CNN reporters.

Rookie Cop Laying On The Jargon A Little Thick

CHICAGO—Four days after joining the Chicago Police Department, Officer Patrick Finley of the 18th Precinct is laying on the jargon a little thick, it was reported Monday. "Yesterday, he got on the radio and called for a 'black-and-white' instead of a 'squad car,'" said Ray Podriewski, Finley's partner. "Not only is 'black and white' movie jargon dating back to the 1940s, but our cars are blue and white, for God's sake. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, he calls the handcuffs 'bracelets.'" Podriewski said Finley later added insult to injury when he referred to the police as "the fuzz." "First of all," Podriewski said, "that's what criminals supposedly call the police. Second of all, even they don't really say it.

Cher's 'Believe' Now Faintly Audible Everywhere In America

GREAT SALT LAKE DESERT, UT—Building upon its presence in every health club, supermarket, bank, clothing store and waiting room in the U.S., Cher's "Believe" was heard Monday by bauxite miners working 1.4 miles beneath the Earth's surface in a remote section of the Great Salt Lake Desert, confirming suspicions that the hit dance track is at least faintly audible everywhere in the nation. "My miners said they heard a throbbing synthesizer sound, accompanied by some sort of painful, piercing wail, coming through the granite walls at the bottom of the shaft," said Wilson Mining Works foreman George Connerly. "So we turned off the turbine-powered pressure drills to get a better listen, and, sure enough, it was that Cher song." The ubiquitous "Believe" was also recently heard at the peak of Alaska's Mt. McKinley, in the farthest reaches of Kentucky's Mammoth Cave, and in the middle of a swamp deep within the Florida Everglades.

Reform Party Follies

Among the names being thrown around as potential Reform Party presidential candidates for 2000 are Jesse Ventura, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, Cybill Shepherd, Ross Perot and Warren Beatty. What do you think about this wildly diverse assortment of Reform Party presidential hopefuls?
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New E-Toilet To Revolutionize Online Shitting

PALO ALTO, CA—In a revolutionary breakthrough with the potential to forever alter the way humans defecate, Palo Alto-based Internet company Ascent Technologies announced Monday the successful development of the first-ever "e-toilet."

"It's incredibly exciting," said Ascent CEO Jeff Scoscia, considered by members of the digerati to be the father of the cyberdump. "The e-toilet will revolutionize on-line waste elimination through the democratization of access to high-speed electronic bathrooms." "Of course, rudimentary pee-commerce has been around almost as long as the Internet itself," Scoscia said, "but our new e-toilet will bring the Internet into the next millennium with real-time point, click and shit capability." Scoscia noted that "Number 2.0," as Silicon Valley insiders have dubbed it, will be cross-platform compatible and fully 2K Flushes compliant. In addition, he said, it will feature significantly wider, more comfortable bandwidth to accommodate even the most massive user download. Though e-toilet prototypes have existed for years, the Ascent model's flexibility and ease of use make it the first on-line shitting system that users are expected to embrace on a mass scale. "No more frustrating lock-up problems—and even the most novice cybershitter can easily mount the e-toilet on his or her desktop," said Wired associate editor Graham Roehner, whose 25-page special report on the future of cyberdefecation will appear in the magazine's November issue. "Just log on, log out, and log off. It's that simple." "In the near future," he added, "everyone will shit on-line."

An e-toilet processes a large user download.

According to Roehner, other features of the e-toilet include real-time urine-streaming, the capacity to add Plug-Ins, and six months free membership in the popular on-line lavatory community eBidet. In addition, it has full multitasking capability, enabling cybershitters to read on-line versions of magazines and newspapers while on the e-toilet. The Advent e-toilet also has a decisive edge over previous models in the area of on-line security.

"It used to be that just any netizen could interrupt you while you were downloading on an e-toilet," said Fast Company technology reporter Warren Dishman. "But thanks to this new e-toilet's advanced 64-bit encraption algorithm, there is a greatly reduced chance of barge-in. AOL users who are used to interruption from the dreaded Instant Message won't have to worry about the IM-BM conflict any longer. And up to 24 network users can use a single e-toilet without fear of catching a virus, no matter who has used it before them." As proud as e-toilet designers are of the "line after line of fat code" they laid down while beta-testing their new platform, they said they are even prouder of the breakthrough design of its user interface. "Early e-toilets forced users to keep a lot of windows open, so e-dumpers lacked the kind of privacy you want while doing your business," said designer Peter Cheng, a self-described "whiz kid" who has put hundreds of gigaflops through the new e-toilet without once encountering the dreaded, bomb-emblazoned "Shit Failed" message. "As a result of all the open windows, many users, feeling uncomfortable and nervous, would 'back up,' often leading to painful RAM problems, corrupted cache, and the embarrassment of having to wipe and reformat the entire root directory after a botched download." According to Scoscia, the Ascent e-toilet's innovative "Unplug & Play" desktop tiling is cleaner, more customizable and 80 percent less likely to collect "cookies" than those of other e-toilets. "For three years—an eternity in this field—the story has been, 'Same shit, different data,'" Scoscia said. "Well, no more. We've seen the last of computer users sitting at their terminals broken-hearted, having paid $99, but couldn't start it." "With the new Advent e-toilet, cutting-edge cyberdump technology has finally arrived and is within reach for all Americans," said Scoscia, smiling. "The question is: Do you want to go today?"

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