adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

New E-Toilet To Revolutionize Online Shitting

PALO ALTO, CA—In a revolutionary breakthrough with the potential to forever alter the way humans defecate, Palo Alto-based Internet company Ascent Technologies announced Monday the successful development of the first-ever "e-toilet."

"It's incredibly exciting," said Ascent CEO Jeff Scoscia, considered by members of the digerati to be the father of the cyberdump. "The e-toilet will revolutionize on-line waste elimination through the democratization of access to high-speed electronic bathrooms." "Of course, rudimentary pee-commerce has been around almost as long as the Internet itself," Scoscia said, "but our new e-toilet will bring the Internet into the next millennium with real-time point, click and shit capability." Scoscia noted that "Number 2.0," as Silicon Valley insiders have dubbed it, will be cross-platform compatible and fully 2K Flushes compliant. In addition, he said, it will feature significantly wider, more comfortable bandwidth to accommodate even the most massive user download. Though e-toilet prototypes have existed for years, the Ascent model's flexibility and ease of use make it the first on-line shitting system that users are expected to embrace on a mass scale. "No more frustrating lock-up problems—and even the most novice cybershitter can easily mount the e-toilet on his or her desktop," said Wired associate editor Graham Roehner, whose 25-page special report on the future of cyberdefecation will appear in the magazine's November issue. "Just log on, log out, and log off. It's that simple." "In the near future," he added, "everyone will shit on-line."

An e-toilet processes a large user download.

According to Roehner, other features of the e-toilet include real-time urine-streaming, the capacity to add Plug-Ins, and six months free membership in the popular on-line lavatory community eBidet. In addition, it has full multitasking capability, enabling cybershitters to read on-line versions of magazines and newspapers while on the e-toilet. The Advent e-toilet also has a decisive edge over previous models in the area of on-line security.

"It used to be that just any netizen could interrupt you while you were downloading on an e-toilet," said Fast Company technology reporter Warren Dishman. "But thanks to this new e-toilet's advanced 64-bit encraption algorithm, there is a greatly reduced chance of barge-in. AOL users who are used to interruption from the dreaded Instant Message won't have to worry about the IM-BM conflict any longer. And up to 24 network users can use a single e-toilet without fear of catching a virus, no matter who has used it before them." As proud as e-toilet designers are of the "line after line of fat code" they laid down while beta-testing their new platform, they said they are even prouder of the breakthrough design of its user interface. "Early e-toilets forced users to keep a lot of windows open, so e-dumpers lacked the kind of privacy you want while doing your business," said designer Peter Cheng, a self-described "whiz kid" who has put hundreds of gigaflops through the new e-toilet without once encountering the dreaded, bomb-emblazoned "Shit Failed" message. "As a result of all the open windows, many users, feeling uncomfortable and nervous, would 'back up,' often leading to painful RAM problems, corrupted cache, and the embarrassment of having to wipe and reformat the entire root directory after a botched download." According to Scoscia, the Ascent e-toilet's innovative "Unplug & Play" desktop tiling is cleaner, more customizable and 80 percent less likely to collect "cookies" than those of other e-toilets. "For three years—an eternity in this field—the story has been, 'Same shit, different data,'" Scoscia said. "Well, no more. We've seen the last of computer users sitting at their terminals broken-hearted, having paid $99, but couldn't start it." "With the new Advent e-toilet, cutting-edge cyberdump technology has finally arrived and is within reach for all Americans," said Scoscia, smiling. "The question is: Do you want to go today?"

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close