adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time

RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source.

"By killing off the No. 1 threat to the environment, new Marlboro Earths will have a long-term effect on the overall health of our planet," Philip Morris spokesperson Janet Weiss said. "If everyone in America does their part and joins our new green-smoking movement, then together we can eradicate man's destructive practices once and for all."

According to a press release from Philip Morris, the new environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the overpopulated planet by the human race.

Because Marlboro Earths take decades to work, the company stresses that people should start using them as early as possible, ideally during childhood or adolescence, in order to maximize the product's effectiveness.

"We've got to get everybody on board, the sooner the better," said Weiss, stressing that nothing less than the fate of the planet was at stake. "It doesn't take much. As few as two packs of Marlboro Earths a day can make all the difference in the world."

"Go ahead," Weiss continued. "Light up, breathe in, and help save Mother Earth."

An environmentally conscious smoker does his part to make a difference about once every 20 minutes or so.

Although industry research indicates people do offer some secondary benefits to the planet, such as recycling programs and wind power generators, studies have concluded these efforts fail to offset the disastrous potential of humanity.

According to Philip Morris, Marlboro Earths are the first green product to address that threat head-on.

"Wildlife habitat encroachment, climate change, the exploitation of precious natural resources—they can all become a thing of the past," said James Freedman, a member of the marketing team tasked with branding the new product. "Smoke these cool, clean Marlboro Earths every chance you get, and you'll reduce your carbon footprint to zero in no time."

Added Freedman, "Plus, you'll look really sophisticated and glamorous while doing it."

The new cigarettes, released in limited test-market cities over the past two months, will be ready for a national rollout in mid-June. An ad campaign with the slogan "Marlboro Earth: Saving the Environment One Customer at a Time" has already been launched, and the product's iconic new packaging, which is similar to the traditional Marlboro design but also features a tree, is reportedly testing "through the roof" with consumers.

In initial product trials, the eco-cigarettes have proven popular among smokers.

"I leave work three to five times a day to stand outside and help the environment," said longtime smoker Sam Davies, an office worker in Raleigh, NC. "And the best thing about them is they make saving the planet incredibly addictive. After only a few hours, I get the uncontrollable urge to go out and help the environment some more."

Philip Morris executives stressed that the new cigarettes, which contain the same great taste smokers have come to expect from Marlboro, but with nearly three times the tar and carbon monoxide, could make a huge difference in as little as 40 to 50 years, cutting down on urban sprawl, overpopulation, and eventually helping to enrich the soil with powerful fertilizers.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close