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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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New Ed McMahon Autobiography Reveals He Slept With 7 Women

LOS ANGELES—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, the just-published Ed McMahon autobiography, Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Ed, disclosed that the veteran Tonight Show emcee slept with seven separate women over the course of his long career. "Frankly, a lot of people in Hollywood were stunned to learn this number," said gossip columnist Liz Smith on Monday. "Think about it—that would mean he had sex with one woman every six to nine years." According to the book, McMahon's conquests include a woman he met overseas while serving in the Marines, a woman he dated for two years before she broke up with him, three other women he dated for five years before they broke up with him, and two of his three wives.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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