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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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New Election Ruling Allows Candidates To Remain Completely Anonymous Throughout Campaign

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the measure is intended to protect politicians’ right to free expression against undue scrutiny from the general population, a new ruling implemented this week by the Federal Election Commission allows candidates running for public office to remain completely anonymous throughout the campaign process. “Candidates should be able to make themselves heard without having their identities, personal associations, and records on the issues exposed in the public eye,” said agency spokesperson Wayne Branson, adding that the new policy means congressional hopefuls can avoid being personally challenged on their agendas by opting to withhold their names and likenesses from all campaign material, television commercials, FEC filings, and public appearances. “The fact that political candidates are no longer under any obligation to disclose who they are will ensure a freer, more open electoral process. It is our belief that elections should be about ideas and plans for the country, not about who is saying them, what that person looks like, what their background might be, if they’re qualified, or what motives they might have.” Branson confirmed that elected candidates would then have the option to remain anonymous for the duration of their term.

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