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New Election Ruling Allows Candidates To Remain Completely Anonymous Throughout Campaign

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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New Election Ruling Allows Candidates To Remain Completely Anonymous Throughout Campaign

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the measure is intended to protect politicians’ right to free expression against undue scrutiny from the general population, a new ruling implemented this week by the Federal Election Commission allows candidates running for public office to remain completely anonymous throughout the campaign process. “Candidates should be able to make themselves heard without having their identities, personal associations, and records on the issues exposed in the public eye,” said agency spokesperson Wayne Branson, adding that the new policy means congressional hopefuls can avoid being personally challenged on their agendas by opting to withhold their names and likenesses from all campaign material, television commercials, FEC filings, and public appearances. “The fact that political candidates are no longer under any obligation to disclose who they are will ensure a freer, more open electoral process. It is our belief that elections should be about ideas and plans for the country, not about who is saying them, what that person looks like, what their background might be, if they’re qualified, or what motives they might have.” Branson confirmed that elected candidates would then have the option to remain anonymous for the duration of their term.

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