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Politics

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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New Election Ruling Allows Candidates To Remain Completely Anonymous Throughout Campaign

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the measure is intended to protect politicians’ right to free expression against undue scrutiny from the general population, a new ruling implemented this week by the Federal Election Commission allows candidates running for public office to remain completely anonymous throughout the campaign process. “Candidates should be able to make themselves heard without having their identities, personal associations, and records on the issues exposed in the public eye,” said agency spokesperson Wayne Branson, adding that the new policy means congressional hopefuls can avoid being personally challenged on their agendas by opting to withhold their names and likenesses from all campaign material, television commercials, FEC filings, and public appearances. “The fact that political candidates are no longer under any obligation to disclose who they are will ensure a freer, more open electoral process. It is our belief that elections should be about ideas and plans for the country, not about who is saying them, what that person looks like, what their background might be, if they’re qualified, or what motives they might have.” Branson confirmed that elected candidates would then have the option to remain anonymous for the duration of their term.

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