New Employee Finally Around Long Enough To Be Deemed Incompetent

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 14


Client pitch, circa 1961

Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necess...

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.


New Employee Finally Around Long Enough To Be Deemed Incompetent

ST. LOUIS—More than a month into his employment at Archmont Insurance, colleagues of account manager Martin Wallace told reporters Tuesday they can now definitively state that the 30-year-old’s constant errors and general carelessness on work projects is a product of sheer personal ineptitude and not a lack of experience. “At first I thought he was misfiling claims forms and botching PowerPoint slides because he was still learning the ropes around here, but at this point it seems pretty clear that he’s actually an imbecile who’s simply too dumb to understand what he’s doing at all,” colleague Diane Kendrick said after Wallace’s fifth straight week of incorrectly calculating insurance quotes, screwing up Excel spreadsheets, and showing up to meetings having read the wrong documents. “I suppose there’s a chance he’s just a really slow learner who’s still figuring out our company’s unique procedures and timetables, though that’s hard to believe because he really hasn’t improved at all since day one. The more likely explanation is that Martin’s just a huge idiot.” Kendrick stated that Wallace should not worry about losing his job anytime soon, however, as the company’s management is even less competent and observant than he is.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More