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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:
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New Employee Finally Around Long Enough To Be Deemed Incompetent

ST. LOUIS—More than a month into his employment at Archmont Insurance, colleagues of account manager Martin Wallace told reporters Tuesday they can now definitively state that the 30-year-old’s constant errors and general carelessness on work projects is a product of sheer personal ineptitude and not a lack of experience. “At first I thought he was misfiling claims forms and botching PowerPoint slides because he was still learning the ropes around here, but at this point it seems pretty clear that he’s actually an imbecile who’s simply too dumb to understand what he’s doing at all,” colleague Diane Kendrick said after Wallace’s fifth straight week of incorrectly calculating insurance quotes, screwing up Excel spreadsheets, and showing up to meetings having read the wrong documents. “I suppose there’s a chance he’s just a really slow learner who’s still figuring out our company’s unique procedures and timetables, though that’s hard to believe because he really hasn’t improved at all since day one. The more likely explanation is that Martin’s just a huge idiot.” Kendrick stated that Wallace should not worry about losing his job anytime soon, however, as the company’s management is even less competent and observant than he is.

More from this section

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

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