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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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New Employee Still Eager Enough To Pick Up Slack For Coworkers

PEORIA, IL—Just over three weeks into his new position at local brokerage firm The Bentley Group, coworkers of junior analyst Ryan Cueva confirmed today that the 26-year-old is still enthusiastic enough about his job to consistently pick up the slack for his colleagues. “Ryan’s still in that phase where he’s excited about his responsibilities and will blindly offer to handle any task, project, or client the rest of us have no interest in,” said account manager Laura Bernin, noting that on three separate occasions in the past week, she asked Cueva if he had any interest in putting together a few tedious spreadsheets and earnings reports that she had been putting off, knowing that he would gladly assent. “He’s just so eager to pitch in at this point that all of us keep kicking the most annoying and unpleasant assignments down the line to him—and the thing is, he’s more than willing to stay past six to finish them up. I think I would almost feel kind of bad if I didn’t see how agreeable and upbeat he is about all of it.” Based on their own work histories, coworkers confirmed that Cueva will likely remain eager enough to pick up others’ slack for approximately six more weeks, at which point he will transition to simply going through the motions of his job for several more months before gradually beginning to pass off his duties to newer, more passionate employees for the next 30 to 40 years.

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