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New Employee Still Eager Enough To Pick Up Slack For Coworkers

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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New Employee Still Eager Enough To Pick Up Slack For Coworkers

PEORIA, IL—Just over three weeks into his new position at local brokerage firm The Bentley Group, coworkers of junior analyst Ryan Cueva confirmed today that the 26-year-old is still enthusiastic enough about his job to consistently pick up the slack for his colleagues. “Ryan’s still in that phase where he’s excited about his responsibilities and will blindly offer to handle any task, project, or client the rest of us have no interest in,” said account manager Laura Bernin, noting that on three separate occasions in the past week, she asked Cueva if he had any interest in putting together a few tedious spreadsheets and earnings reports that she had been putting off, knowing that he would gladly assent. “He’s just so eager to pitch in at this point that all of us keep kicking the most annoying and unpleasant assignments down the line to him—and the thing is, he’s more than willing to stay past six to finish them up. I think I would almost feel kind of bad if I didn’t see how agreeable and upbeat he is about all of it.” Based on their own work histories, coworkers confirmed that Cueva will likely remain eager enough to pick up others’ slack for approximately six more weeks, at which point he will transition to simply going through the motions of his job for several more months before gradually beginning to pass off his duties to newer, more passionate employees for the next 30 to 40 years.

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