New Employee Still Eager Enough To Pick Up Slack For Coworkers

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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New Employee Still Eager Enough To Pick Up Slack For Coworkers

PEORIA, IL—Just over three weeks into his new position at local brokerage firm The Bentley Group, coworkers of junior analyst Ryan Cueva confirmed today that the 26-year-old is still enthusiastic enough about his job to consistently pick up the slack for his colleagues. “Ryan’s still in that phase where he’s excited about his responsibilities and will blindly offer to handle any task, project, or client the rest of us have no interest in,” said account manager Laura Bernin, noting that on three separate occasions in the past week, she asked Cueva if he had any interest in putting together a few tedious spreadsheets and earnings reports that she had been putting off, knowing that he would gladly assent. “He’s just so eager to pitch in at this point that all of us keep kicking the most annoying and unpleasant assignments down the line to him—and the thing is, he’s more than willing to stay past six to finish them up. I think I would almost feel kind of bad if I didn’t see how agreeable and upbeat he is about all of it.” Based on their own work histories, coworkers confirmed that Cueva will likely remain eager enough to pick up others’ slack for approximately six more weeks, at which point he will transition to simply going through the motions of his job for several more months before gradually beginning to pass off his duties to newer, more passionate employees for the next 30 to 40 years.


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