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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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New Energy Secretary Guesses He Ought To Read Up On Energy

WASHINGTON, DC–Spencer Abraham, the newly installed U.S. Energy Secretary, admitted Monday that he probably ought to read up on energy. "I know energy is really important, and that there was a big crisis back in the '70s, but other than that, I'm in the dark," Abraham said. "I was hoping to be appointed Secretary of Transportation, which I know a lot more about, but that one was already taken." The former Michigan senator said he plans to go to the library Thursday to look up "Energy" in The World Book Encyclopedia.

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