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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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New ESPN GameCast Feature Allows Your Team To Win

NEW YORK—ESPN.com launched an updated version of its MLB GameCast feature Monday that automatically changes any game's outcome in favor of the user's favorite team. "I used to think that being able to toggle the 'HitZone' on and off was pretty awesome, but toggling a victory on and off is so much better," Mariners fan and GameCast subscriber Mike Walker said. "Most of the time, I'd be following along with the game online and then be pissed off when the Mariners lost. Now, all I have to do is hit the 'make my team win' button." Although the new premium feature is not available for the NFL or NBA GameCasts, baseball fans can obtain the new program by signing up for ESPN Insider and paying a $1,000 monthly subscription fee.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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