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New ESPN Program To Feature Attractive Blonde Reading Tweets For 30 Minutes

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Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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New ESPN Program To Feature Attractive Blonde Reading Tweets For 30 Minutes

LOS ANGELES—ESPN programming executives announced Wednesday the debut of a new show called The Pulse that will air afternoons on ESPN and evenings on ESPN2 and which will consist of an attractive blonde host reading tweets and Facebook comments to the camera for a half hour. “This new show will tap into the real conversations taking place across social channels and then literally repeat those conversations back to people,” said Jamie Horowitz, vice president of original programming. “We are confident that a beautiful, flaxen-haired young woman flirtatiously reading short, easy-to-digest messages aloud is exactly the kind of innovative programming that the discerning modern sports fan demands.” After several rounds of test marketing, the collected data suggested that The Pulse has the potential to become the most popular program on the entire ESPN family of networks despite frequently veering completely off the topic of sports.

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