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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New Evidence Confirms A-Rod Invented Steroids

NEW YORK—In another blow to the disgraced superstar’s legacy, Major League Baseball officials reportedly acquired new evidence this week confirming that third baseman Alex Rodriguez invented steroids. “These documents prove that, well before his first positive test, Mr. Rodriguez invented and distributed the very first muscle-building anabolic steroids, as well as amphetamines and HGH,” said MLB executive vice president Rob Manfred, who noted that Rodriguez began early testing and development of the performance-enhancing drugs in a laboratory near Seattle. “We also now know beyond doubt that in the ensuing years, Mr. Rodriguez refined steroids to make them less detectable, and in blatant contempt of league regulations continued to supply doctors with the illegal substances that have stained the reputation of baseball forever.” At press time, Alex Rodriguez was reportedly concocting a new lethal chemical agent capable of wiping out the entire Eastern Seaboard.

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