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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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New Evidence Confirms A-Rod Invented Steroids

NEW YORK—In another blow to the disgraced superstar’s legacy, Major League Baseball officials reportedly acquired new evidence this week confirming that third baseman Alex Rodriguez invented steroids. “These documents prove that, well before his first positive test, Mr. Rodriguez invented and distributed the very first muscle-building anabolic steroids, as well as amphetamines and HGH,” said MLB executive vice president Rob Manfred, who noted that Rodriguez began early testing and development of the performance-enhancing drugs in a laboratory near Seattle. “We also now know beyond doubt that in the ensuing years, Mr. Rodriguez refined steroids to make them less detectable, and in blatant contempt of league regulations continued to supply doctors with the illegal substances that have stained the reputation of baseball forever.” At press time, Alex Rodriguez was reportedly concocting a new lethal chemical agent capable of wiping out the entire Eastern Seaboard.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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