adBlockCheck

New Evidence Proves First Flag Made By Betsy Ross Actually Shirt For Gay Friend

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

New Evidence Proves First Flag Made By Betsy Ross Actually Shirt For Gay Friend

Nathaniel, whose bold sartorial choice became the enduring symbol of America.
Nathaniel, whose bold sartorial choice became the enduring symbol of America.

PHILADELPHIA—Historians at the University of Pennsylvania announced the discovery this week of a personal diary from the late 18th century that reveals the first U.S. flag sewed by Betsy Ross was originally intended as a shirt for her flamboyant gay friend Nathaniel.

"This has completely upended the accepted narrative behind the first American flag," said historian Kenneth Atwood, who led the team of scholars analyzing the long-forgotten journal of prominent Philadelphia homosexual Nathaniel Linsley. "Now we can say with certainty that our nation's most enduring symbol of freedom, strength, and prosperity is actually just the result of Nathaniel's desire for a sassy, tight-fitting top."

"We've all been taught that the 13 stars and stripes of the first U.S. flag represented the original 13 colonies, but this is simply not the case," Atwood added. "In fact, Nathaniel thought that stripes were slimming, and he just really, really liked stars."

Millions of schoolchildren across the nation proudly salute Nathaniel's flamboyant garment every day.

As his diary attests, Linsley was a collector and dealer of footstools and divans, and was often seen about town in all manner of colorful attire. In the 1770s, he forged a close professional and personal friendship with the noted upholsterer Betsy Ross, the two of them meeting weekly over tea to exchange gossip and to complain about work, men, and the Intolerable Acts.

"It's amazing to think that Nathaniel unknowingly designed the most iconic flag in world history," said Historical Society of Pennsylvania researcher Maxwell Derosiers, who found the journal in the pocket of a period cheetah-print waistcoat in the organization's basement. "From the American flags that flew over Fort McHenry and Iwo Jima, to the one planted on the surface of the moon, every incarnation of the Stars and Stripes traces its roots to this one very gay article of clothing"

"And I mean really gay," Derosiers added. "This was a sleeveless crop top."

By April 1776, the weather had grown too warm for the full-body leather outfits that Nathaniel favored in wintertime, and the British naval blockade prevented him from purchasing the imported European silks he typically wore in the summer, Derosiers explained. So he asked Betsy Ross to sew him what Nathaniel described as a "lightweight and super glitzy garment of fine cotton."

"I seek to make a bold fashion proclamation and to stand apart from the drab gentlemen of today with their pedestrian wigs, facial powders, and lip rouges," wrote Linsley on April 19, 1776. "Thusly, I met with my darling friend Miss Betsy this forenoon to discuss the design of a new shirt to match my vibrant sensibilities. O! how I look forward to donning the garment anon and jaunting about the town square!"

Over the next several days, Linsley consulted with Ross regularly, making several significant alterations to the design, which included adding a blue field on the back side of the shirt for "a little splash of color," demanding ever more spangles, and selecting plain white fabric for the alternate stripes instead of see-through mesh, as he had originally envisioned.

By his own account, Linsley wore the shirt everywhere, from his daily trips candle shopping, to attending theater performances, to simply relaxing on the city green where he often watched the athletic young militiamen practice their drills.

According to a contemporary clipping from the Philadelphia General Advertiser that Linsley pasted in his journal, Gen. George Washington became mesmerized by the striking garment on July 7, 1776, when he caught sight of the colorfully clad Linsley playing his fife and "dancing a merry cotillion" outside what is now known as Independence Hall.

"This resplendently bedecked man, with his pet bald eagle perched on his shoulder, strutted about with unabashed confidence and pride, like America itself," Washington is quoted as saying in the article. "At once, I knew I must make this radiant son of liberty's shirt into a glorious flag o'er our nation!"

Historians claimed Washington's appreciation for the flamboyant garment was shared by the whole of the Continental Congress, which soon proudly adopted the shirt as the official standard of the newly established United States.

"Thanks to the chance discovery of this diary, we now know that Nathaniel Linsley, a homosexual man, is the true father of the American flag," Atwood said. "And from now on, when we look up at Old Glory flying proudly above, we'll see the very same red, white, and blue that he wore tightly across his chest more than two centuries ago."

"Though, lamentably," Atwood added, "without the pricey sequin overlay he so desperately wanted."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close