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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Died In Cretaceous Period Hospice

LAWRENCE, KS—After studying a rich fossil bed in the South Dakota plains, paleontologists from the University of Kansas have confirmed that most Cretaceous Period dinosaurs ultimately died in hospice care. “We’ve uncovered a number of fossils of elderly Tyrannosaurus Rexes and Troodons more or less seated in makeshift wheelchairs and covered in shawls,” Professor Meredith Moreschi told reporters Friday, adding that once dinosaurs were too old to take care of themselves, they were loaded onto the back of a triceratops and carried to an assisted living facility where they could be looked after by a trained staff of anklyosaurs. “We also found evidence of older, dementia-suffering velociraptors wandering off and being led back to the facility by stegosauruses, who essentially served as night nurses.” Moreschi added that specific groupings of other fossils in the area indicated that younger dinosaurs didn’t visit the older ones nearly as often as they could have.

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