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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Died In Cretaceous Period Hospice

LAWRENCE, KS—After studying a rich fossil bed in the South Dakota plains, paleontologists from the University of Kansas have confirmed that most Cretaceous Period dinosaurs ultimately died in hospice care. “We’ve uncovered a number of fossils of elderly Tyrannosaurus Rexes and Troodons more or less seated in makeshift wheelchairs and covered in shawls,” Professor Meredith Moreschi told reporters Friday, adding that once dinosaurs were too old to take care of themselves, they were loaded onto the back of a triceratops and carried to an assisted living facility where they could be looked after by a trained staff of anklyosaurs. “We also found evidence of older, dementia-suffering velociraptors wandering off and being led back to the facility by stegosauruses, who essentially served as night nurses.” Moreschi added that specific groupings of other fossils in the area indicated that younger dinosaurs didn’t visit the older ones nearly as often as they could have.

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