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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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New Evidence Suggests Early Humans First Used Fire To Impress Friends

KURUMAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Archaeologists excavating a 1.5-million-year-old Homo erectus habitation site this week unearthed the strongest evidence to date that early humans first used fire to impress their friends. “Based on the locations and prevalence of burn marks at the site, we can infer that fire was initially utilized by early humans to show off in front of one another, typically by leaping over a flaming pit or passing their hands quickly back and forth across the flame of a burning log,” said Boston University researcher Benjamin Shostick, adding that the discovery supports the hypothesis that setting a grassy plain ablaze to crack up friends was an important part of hominid culture long before fire was used for cooking and warmth. “The evidence indicates that early man quite possibly vocalized a loud, confident grunt to a gathering of friends and then tossed a fiery piece of wood into the air and attempted to catch it, and oftentimes poked at unsuspecting buddies with the end of a smoldering branch for the group’s amusement.” Researchers also found fossilized footprints in a circle pattern and numerous charred bones, which likely suggest that early man got big laughs after accidentally setting himself on fire.

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