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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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New Evidence Suggests Early Humans First Used Fire To Impress Friends

KURUMAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Archaeologists excavating a 1.5-million-year-old Homo erectus habitation site this week unearthed the strongest evidence to date that early humans first used fire to impress their friends. “Based on the locations and prevalence of burn marks at the site, we can infer that fire was initially utilized by early humans to show off in front of one another, typically by leaping over a flaming pit or passing their hands quickly back and forth across the flame of a burning log,” said Boston University researcher Benjamin Shostick, adding that the discovery supports the hypothesis that setting a grassy plain ablaze to crack up friends was an important part of hominid culture long before fire was used for cooking and warmth. “The evidence indicates that early man quite possibly vocalized a loud, confident grunt to a gathering of friends and then tossed a fiery piece of wood into the air and attempted to catch it, and oftentimes poked at unsuspecting buddies with the end of a smoldering branch for the group’s amusement.” Researchers also found fossilized footprints in a circle pattern and numerous charred bones, which likely suggest that early man got big laughs after accidentally setting himself on fire.

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