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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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New Evidence Suggests God Also Had Incredibly Busty Daughter

ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter with absolutely humongous breasts.

Scholars say Tammi of Nazareth may have been a major religious figure nearly two millennia before the bra was invented.

The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian- Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount the life, teachings, and death of Jesus' well-endowed twin sister, Tammi of Nazareth. According to experts, the revelation points to a more dualistic conception of the divine, one with the male principle embodied in Jesus and the female principle represented by Tammi and her giant, heaving bazoingas.

"It's a monumental shift," said Boston College religion professor Paul Ferber, claiming that the newly discovered texts are more significant than the Gospel of Judas or the Dead Sea Scrolls. "Tammi has single-handedly undercut the male hegemony we've come to associate with the Christian faith, and added an important new dimension to the holy scripture."

"Also, the various sources are in clear agreement that Tammi had the most enormous jugs in all of Galilee," added Ferber, gesturing with his hands."Seriously. Like, out to here."

The existence of Tammi has caused scholars to reexamine the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and replace it with a Quadrinity that includes the Daughter figure—though some, including Ferber, argue it should actually be reconstrued as "a five-way Quintinity, counting as two separate divine powers both of Tammi's bodacious watermelons."

According to the manuscripts, written in Greek on papyrus scrolls, Tammi led a ministry contemporaneously with her brother's. Although she promulgated similar ideas concerning faith, humility, and forgiveness, and appeared to possess the same miraculous powers, Tammi seems to have had more difficulty communicating her message. In one passage, for example, her disciples repeatedly coax her into washing their feet, apparently for a better vantage point from which to observe her "heavenly radiance." And while she, like Jesus, walks on water, the feat is described as almost disappointing to many onlookers, who had apparently hoped to see her run.

Professor Ned McCormick of Duke Divinity School said a complete understanding of Tammi's teachings will require decades of research, with particularly close scrutiny given to the dozens of detailed illustrations.

Explaining the difficulty of interpreting the texts, McCormick cited a passage that reads: "Saith Tammi, 'Consider ye this on the forgiveness of one's enemies: Let he who would slander you sup at your table, let he who would inflict…I saith unto thee: Look upon mine eyes, which dwell within mine head, and not upon mine bosom, wherein no wisdom dwells.' And then did Tammi snappeth her fingers together, saying, 'Seriously; I doth mean it. Up here.'"

"In all fairness to her disciples, it must have been impossible to concentrate with a couple of cannons like those in your face," McCormick said. "Especially in that desert heat, with nothing but a thin linen vestment between you and two of the most succulent milk-makers you've ever laid eyes on, beads of sweat slowly making their way down from her throat and running along the swells before descending into that perfect cleft between…oh my Lord."

The circumstances surrounding Tammi's death are unclear, but the texts seem to suggest that while she was not crucified, she did, like her brother, die in Judaea, rise from the dead, and ascend bodily into heaven in her early 30s, well before her breasts would have begun to sag.

While the documents make no direct mention of Tammi's participation in the Second Coming, Ferber said he would not be surprised if her followers held similar eschatological views and worshipped her as a kind of tandem messiah who would one day return to earth along with her brother, "her ginormous gazongas defying gravity as she descended bodily in glory from heaven" to establish the Kingdom of God.

"Maybe I'm just being hopeful," Ferber said, "but I'd sure love to see those holy ta-tas with my own eyes."

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