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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought

KOOBI FORA, KENYA—Saying their findings could offer fresh insight into the dietary habits of our prehistoric ancestors, archaeologists from Rice University announced Tuesday that they had unearthed new evidence suggesting humans may have been dipping crunchy things into gooey things far earlier than previously thought. “While the scientific community has generally believed that dipping crunchy things into gooey things began some 4,000 years ago with ancient Babylonians dunking crusty flatbreads in a variety of jellies and fish pastes, our research indicates that the practice actually began more than a million years earlier,” said lead researcher Nicolas Farr, adding that the newly discovered fossil remains of Homo erectus point to the species dipping local root vegetables into pools of coagulated blood from game animals such as gazelles and antelopes, and even heating it with newly harnessed fire to achieve a more melty consistency. “While it’s possible that still older hominids made crude attempts at a crunchy-gooey dietary convention—perhaps dipping strips of tree bark into animal dung—it’s unlikely that evidence would be preserved in the fossil record after all this time.” Farr went on to say that a series of ancient Roman legal tablets, however, remains the most recent evidence of a codified prohibition against double-dipping.

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