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Fathers

Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...

Area Family Has No Idea Where Dad Gets Shirts

SHERIDAN, WY—Saying he must get them somehow but that his means of procurement remained a mystery, the children of area father Don Griffith, 42, confirmed Friday they have no idea where he gets his shirts.

Area Dad Off To Bad Start With Waitress

BETHEL, PA—Following an awkward exchange in which Tom Richardson flagged down their server for "a round of waters" mere seconds after being seated, family members confirmed Sunday the 56-year-old father of three was off to a rough start wi...
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Fathers

New Extended Paternity Leave Offers Dads More Time To Lose Colleagues’ Respect

POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect. “We found that many men were unsatisfied with the duration of our previously offered leave, so we’ve amended our policy to accommodate those on staff who would like a little extra time to lower themselves in the eyes of their coworkers,” said vice president of HR Ben Nylen, explaining that the new 12-week leave was designed to give fathers ample time to show business associates that they’re effeminate weaklings unfit for the high-stakes world of finance. “Taking advantage of a full three months off is not only a great way for men to lose the personal and professional esteem of their peers, but also an opportunity to become the subject of ceaseless ridicule around the office.” Nylen added that, after taking an extended paternity leave, male employees were welcome to come back to the office and be overlooked for raises and promotions for the next dozen years.

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