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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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New Facebook Feature Allows User To Cancel Account

PALO ALTO, CA—In its ongoing effort to enrich the way people connect and interact, social media website Facebook introduced a new feature Monday that allows users to cancel their accounts. "To complement our recently overhauled interface—which now provides users with a real-time log of every single thing their friends are doing at any given moment—we've added a function that lets people delete their entire profile with the click of a button," said company spokesman Scott Wippold, describing how the change would bring "an exciting new level of user control" to Facebook. "It's a really cool feature we're happy to be offering for the very first time." The company later confirmed that account closures would not stop Facebook from continuing to acquire, permanently store, and sell all information about its current and former users until the day they die.

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