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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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New Father Remembers Time When Baseball Wasn't So Goddamn Meaningful

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—While stressing that he loves his 6-month-old son Jordan "more than life itself" and that fatherhood is "a whole new world opening up to you every day," 36-year-old Greg Henderson admitted Friday that he misses the days when baseball was merely an enjoyable game and not an almost endless collection of meaningful and profoundly significant life lessons.

"I've been a fan of the Twins as long as I can remember," Henderson said. "And it hasn't always been easy, either. But at least before Jordan was born it was an excuse to doze off in front of the television with a beer, not a metaphor-laden allegory for every single important thing in life."

Henderson claimed he first noticed baseball had become fraught with the weight of meaning just before pitchers and catchers reported for spring training late last month, an event that had once been a pleasant occasion for speculation and idle thought but had now been transformed into a ritual of rebirth, an example of the cyclical nature of life, and a powerful symbol of hope.

"I was looking over the Twins’ possible starting rotations while holding Jordy in my lap, wondering if being a dad would give me time to do the office fantasy baseball team this year, and I found myself telling him all about how life gives you new chances all the time, how it’s important to persist and keep trying, and suddenly I was moved to my soul," Henderson said. "It was really annoying, let me tell you. One little baseball article in the Star Tribune and I turned into Billy fucking Crystal."

While naturally preoccupied with the normal business of fatherhood, Henderson’s only baseball-related involvement with Jordan had, until recently, been limited to purchasing the baby a Twins onesie and cap and placing a small toy baseball in his crib. However, his perspective changed when Susan, Jordan’s mother, put the onesie and cap on the boy, who then began playing with the toy baseball.

"Suddenly all I could think of was having a catch with him while teaching him all the values of the game—the fundamental fairness, the way it rewards those who stick with it for the long haul, and how it’s a perfect blend of individual achievement and team play," said Henderson, recalling how he had also been flooded with memories of playing ball with his own father, who passed away in 2007 and would have loved to watch the Little League games in which Henderson now feels Jordan will surely participate, if not star. "This time last year, I was just talking with the guys about how awesome it was that Kent Hrbek was such an asshole."

"This is really pathetic," Henderson added.

As of press time, Henderson had reportedly found himself increasingly unable to separate the idea of baseball from the practice of fatherhood, going so far as to watch the 1989 Kevin Costner vehicle Field Of Dreams while cradling Jordan and muttering softly to the boy that, while he was far to young to understand it now, he would come to value everything the movie represented when he grew older.

"I really don’t know what’s wrong with me," Henderson added. "At this point, I can hardly wait for the meaningless brutality of football season so I can get back to just being a normal guy again.”

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