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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
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New Forced-Retirement Community Opens For Local 60-Year-Olds

TAMPA, FL—Offering a “safe and friendly environment” for newly jobless older residents, the Pine Meadows Forced-Retirement Community opened its doors Friday to local 60-year-olds who have been hastily ousted from their workplaces by downsizing. “We here at Pine Meadows are proud to welcome all of you who aren’t quite in your golden years, but who nevertheless have no choice but to accept that your productive days are suddenly a thing of the past,” said facility director Phil Garsten at the grand opening, noting that the community offers a variety of residence and meal packages at price ranges to suit any substandard severance package. “Our facility offers satellite television, fully equipped game and exercise rooms, nightly social activities, and dozens of other entertaining diversions from the ignominious disgrace you’ve suffered after decades of thankless service to your former employer. And our attentive staff is ready around the clock to listen to you try to make sense of how things could have ended up like this.” Garsten added that the facility also features its own replica office environment, where residents can perform basic work tasks during the day to make them feel as if their lives still retain some semblance of purpose.

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Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

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