adBlockCheck

New Free-Range Slaughterhouse Allows Livestock To Roam Freely On Killing Floor

Top Headlines

Business

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Free-Range Slaughterhouse Allows Livestock To Roam Freely On Killing Floor

Allowing their animals to wander freely through hot pools of blood and entrails results in a superior product, KLJ Packing officials say.
Allowing their animals to wander freely through hot pools of blood and entrails results in a superior product, KLJ Packing officials say.

SIGOURNEY, IA—Describing their company as a humane alternative to standard industrialized packing plants, owners of a new free-range slaughterhouse told reporters Wednesday that they allow their livestock to stay active by openly roaming around on the killing room floor.

According to company officials, the KLJ Packing slaughterhouse refuses to subject its animals to the abuses of cramped and overcrowded chutes, opting instead to let its cows, pigs, chickens, and sheep wander around the machines and butchering tables throughout the 55,000-square-foot kill floor until workers select them for slaughter.

“Rather than cruelly herding our stock onto dark, narrow loading ramps, we believe in letting them move freely across our facility’s spacious, blood-sluicing grated floor,” said KLJ Packing operations manager Eric Judd, adding that the extra room is intended to make the animals as comfortable as possible for the 24 hours between arriving at the plant and being skinned and dismembered for sale. “Before our animals are led into stun boxes, they’re allowed to walk without hindrance among the carcasses suspended from the bleeding rail and the floor’s various viscera piles.”

“It’s important to treat these animals with compassion,” he continued.

“While it is slightly less efficient and more costly for us to insist on letting our animals stretch their legs by walking along rows of circular saws where workers decapitate chickens, we stand by the ethical treatment of our livestock.”

Factory sources, who expounded on the many benefits of free-range slaughter floors, confirmed that the company’s cows and sheep have unrestricted movement and boundless space in which to thrash around during the five to 10 seconds after a bolt has gone through their brain, helping to prevent the bruises and abrasions that are associated with packing livestock close together in tight quarters.

Reports indicated that the no-pen policy also allows the livestock to continue the social behaviors essential to their health, noting that chickens are able to maintain the structure of their flocks while weaving between the gutting stands and the various troughs for fat, connective tissue, and meat scraps.

Officials added that the animals’ stress-induced cortisol levels, which tend to spike after their long rides from the farms, are more easily reduced when they are free to roam around at their leisure near the scalding vats used to remove hair from pigs.

“While it is slightly less efficient and more costly for us to insist on letting our animals stretch their legs by walking along rows of circular saws where workers decapitate chickens, we stand by the ethical treatment of our livestock.” Judd said. “However, it’s not just about recognizing a cow’s right to wander freely through the showers of blood pouring from suspended animals’ severed aortas—it’s also about producing a better-tasting product.”

“When you bite into a steak, you can tell whether or not it was given the chance to amble around near its own disemboweled calf,” he added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close