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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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New 'Friday Night Lights' Spin-Off To Focus On Underfunded Texas Hockey Team

NEW YORK—NBC officials announced Tuesday that the new Friday Nights Lights spin-off Saturday Morning Ice will follow an underfunded Dillon Panthers hockey team that is ignored by the football-obsessed Texas town as it struggles to practice without a rink. "We have an attractive ensemble cast, plenty of brooding, and some familiar faces—like Lyla Garrity, who has a locker just three down from starting left winger Josh Porter," said NBC co-chairman Ben Silverman. "Eric Taylor's role as Dillon athletic director will be explored in the pilot as he locks eyes with his pest of a hockey coach, who quits after complaining that the only equipment his program has is a deflated ball the girls' soccer team didn't want." Silverman promised numerous uplifting dramatic moments in the series, such as when Eric Taylor personally drives the hockey team to Play It Again Sports to look for usable pucks, and later when Taylor forces the misbehaving football players to build a hockey rink in the school's basement.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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