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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New 'Friday Night Lights' Spin-Off To Focus On Underfunded Texas Hockey Team

NEW YORK—NBC officials announced Tuesday that the new Friday Nights Lights spin-off Saturday Morning Ice will follow an underfunded Dillon Panthers hockey team that is ignored by the football-obsessed Texas town as it struggles to practice without a rink. "We have an attractive ensemble cast, plenty of brooding, and some familiar faces—like Lyla Garrity, who has a locker just three down from starting left winger Josh Porter," said NBC co-chairman Ben Silverman. "Eric Taylor's role as Dillon athletic director will be explored in the pilot as he locks eyes with his pest of a hockey coach, who quits after complaining that the only equipment his program has is a deflated ball the girls' soccer team didn't want." Silverman promised numerous uplifting dramatic moments in the series, such as when Eric Taylor personally drives the hockey team to Play It Again Sports to look for usable pucks, and later when Taylor forces the misbehaving football players to build a hockey rink in the school's basement.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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