adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac

BOSTON—Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday.

The gas bill that Beasley (inset) received.

"What animal did this?" said Beasley, paging through a bill for the pay period ending June 2. "Whoever he is, he's spread an invoice for less than $15 over nine pages."

The new bill divides Beasley's balance into 15 columns with such headings as "meter degree" and "date expenditure." The columns are annotated with footnotes, bar graphs, windows, explanations, and "hints," many of which are printed in colors that were obviously selected by a deranged person.

"I just want to know what I owe!" Beasley said. "Fuel cost adjustment, adjustment to minimum bill, read days, repair range... 'Helping you to understand your repair range'? Is this some kind of sick joke?"

Beasley pointed to a section of the bill that detailed payments by mail.

"Residential Monthly Billing Customer Acct. ID B0498-8194-330000-MICHAEL-BEASLEY," the bill read. "Affix DEGREE DATE/Meter-ACT-4 stamp (Window 11-B) to Monthly BILLING ID Box (located on Window 15 on outside of Payment Envelope provided by RMBRC packet (See Intro)). RMB Customers using their own envelope see Using Your Own Envelope (Section F)."

"There's actually a section on how to use your own envelope," Beasley said. "With rules."

Beasley added: "This isn't a gas bill—it's a cry for help. Authored by someone with a disease."

Gale Snow, Keystone Gas public relations director, encouraged customers who are confused by the new bill to refer to the "Understanding Your New Gas Bill" brochure.

"This thing?" said Beasley, holding up a copy of the 28-page brochure. "This madhouse? This 24-Hour Polka Marathon at Titicut Follies? Look at it, man. It's a 28-page annotation of a gas bill. The notes to my copy of 'The Waste Land' aren't this arcane."

"Maybe it was written by someone the gas-bill designer befriended at the asylum," Beasley added.

The designer of the new gas bill—and possibly the author of its accompanying brochure—was unavailable for comment, probably because he's curled up naked in the crawlspace between floors three and four of Children's Hospital Boston, subsisting on vending-machine candy and doodling with his own feces.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close