New Girlfriend Tests Poorly With Peer Focus Group

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

New Girlfriend Tests Poorly With Peer Focus Group

RALEIGH, NC–Preliminary data collected Monday from a focus group of friends indicates that new girlfriend Christine Carr is an unsuitable mate for Evan Lindblad.

Members of the focus group discuss Carr (inset).

"I was really excited for everyone to meet Christine," said Lindblad, 25, a graduate student in clinical psychology at North Carolina State University. "I was sure everyone would like her. But now that the numbers are in, I guess I really dropped the ball on this one."

After three weeks of dating, Lindblad held a small party at his home to introduce Carr to a random sampling of his closest friends, ages 22 to 27. Over the course of the evening, Lindblad presented the focus group with a variety of Carr-related queries, ranging from "What do you think of Christine?" to "Is she or isn't she everything I said?"

Lindblad also silently observed focus-group members, making careful note of their spontaneous reactions to Carr.

"At first, everyone was a little shy about speaking up," Lindblad said. "But sometime around 10:45 p.m., when a majority of the focus group was in the kitchen getting beer and Christine was in the other room, everyone really started voicing their opinions. I was right there with the clipboard, taking it all down."

According to Lindblad, Carr scored highest with his five friends from college, with 60 percent of them saying that they "strongly agreed" or "somewhat agreed" with the statement that "Christine seems pretty nice." Carr also fared better with male constituents of the focus group, who were three times less likely to respond disparagingly to the question, "Did you see what she's wearing?"

After tallying Carr's score in the areas of likability, originality, and believability, Lindblad found that his new girlfriend had garnered a meager 23 percent overall approval rating from the group.

"It was clear that they simply were not enamored with Christine," Lindblad said. "I'm definitely pulling the brakes on bringing her to Eric Barrowman's Christmas party until I can fully assess this data."

In addition to the low approval rating, 11 focus-group members reported feeling "disinterested" or "bored" when speaking to Carr. Further, while in the kitchen, members compiled a list of her negative qualities they would like to see addressed.

"I did not respond well to that laugh," Lindblad friend and coworker Toni Evers said. "It was way too high. And I would've liked to have seen a little more knowledge about Evan's field of work."

Carr even scored poorly in areas in which Lindblad expected her to fare well.

"Christine is beautiful, no one can deny that. But feedback indicated that the group wanted to see someone with a 'more mature look,'" Lindblad said. "The midriff-baring shirt actually worked against her in there. Who would have guessed? Well, that's why we do these tests."

By evening's end, a full 84 percent of Lindblad's friends said they agreed with the statement, "Evan can do a lot better."

"I've been close with Evan for several years, and I respect him very much," Evers said. "But if he goes ahead with this relationship, my approval rating of him could drop significantly."

Surprised by Carr's poor showing, Lindblad turned to best friend Jake Hadler for his take on the results. Hadler told Lindblad that his pre-party hyping of Carr, in which he described her as "really funny and incredibly smart," may have backfired.

"I'd heard so many times from Evan how funny Christine was," Hadler said. "It was all, 'Christine said this,' and, 'Christine did that.' Well, at the party, I had a six-minute exchange with her to ascertain her wit quotient, and during that entire time, she didn't make one joke."

Had expectations not been so high, Carr may have fared better, focus-group participants conceded.

"After the huge build-up, we went in there expecting not merely to be pleased, but blown away," said Lindblad's coworker Glen Delk. "Had Lindblad simply billed Christine as 'great' or 'a really cool girl,' we'd have approached it differently. But he kept saying, 'This girl may be the one,' forcing us to evaluate her potential as a major love interest instead of a minor fling."

Despite the negative reviews, Lindblad is not yet ready to end the relationship.

"I'd hate to kill this so quickly after just one focus group," Lindblad said. "Maybe she can learn a little more about what I'm studying in school. And work on the laugh. That could get the numbers up."

Next Story