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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Promising to transform the way people experience Meryl Streep, Google announced Monday its new “Streep View” technology, providing zoomable 360-degree panoramas of the Oscar-winning actress. “For the first time, Google users are not merely limited to marking Streep locations on a map, but can also see her from any angle or scale they wish,” Google CEO Larry Page announced at a press event debuting the software platform, which is now live at streep.google.com. “Furthermore, our fleet of Streep View vans is working 24-7 to photograph every square centimeter of her surface and create a truly seamless Meryl-navigation experience.” As part of the company’s ongoing mission to streamline its suite of services, Page added that the module is fully compatible with the latest version of Google Firth.

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