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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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New Government Shutdown Caused by Bat in Capitol

The federal government shut down again on Monday at 5 p.m. when a bat was spotted flying around the inside of the U.S. Capitol building. Legislators, fearing they may be attacked by the bat, have suspended all governmental activity until it flies out a window, is shooed away by someone with a broom, or is ultimately done away with by U.S. pest control experts.

A stray bat (inset) flew into the U.S. Capitol Monday, causing legislators to cover their faces and flee from the building. Sen. Bob Dole described it as "scary."

“The bat gave us a good scare,” said Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole (R-KS), who is waiting on the steps of the Capitol with other lawmakers until the bat is removed. “There’s no way in hell I’m going back in there,” he said. “He might get into my hair.”

House Speaker Newt Gingrich agreed that there is “no chance” Congress will begin working on vital issues such as rebuilding our infrastructure and cutting taxes for working families until the bat has flown away. According to Gingrich, “Is he still in there? Somebody go see if he’s still in there.”

Added Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI): “Bats bite, don’t they?”

The bat was discovered by Senator George Klwertyuo (D-VT), who happened to be looking up during a debate over a budget appropriations bill. He noticed the pint-sized beast flying in a swooping, figure-eight pattern, seeming to be headed straight for a wall or ceiling, then veering away at just the last moment in an eerily unpredictable fashion.

Klwertyuo screamed, “Bat!” and pointed upward. All heads craned to see the flying vermin. The debate instantly halted as all eyes followed the bat flapping back and forth aloft in the legislative chamber. Occasionally a few gasps were uttered as the bat swerved frightfully close to ground level and senators instinctively shielded their heads and faces from potential attack.

Senator Milton Hershsod (R-MO), a decorated World War II combat veteran, noticed that the bat had stopped flying around and was perched on an out-of-the-way banister. The senator came at the bat with a paper bag, attempting to capture it and set it loose. But, according to witnesses, the bat emitted a terrifying shriek, causing Hershsod to run away and dive under a nearby table.

Legislators, gripped by panic, sprinted out the door, screeching in a manner similar to young children.

Pest control units scrambled from nearby Quantico, VA, and hope to have the bat safely removed from the chamber by mid-February. The bat represents the biggest pest-related government shutdown since late last month, when a silverfish was spotted on the wainscoting of the Senate Finance Committee offices.

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