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New Gun Law Would Require James Holmes To Undergo Strict Background Check Before Purchasing Firearms

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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New Gun Law Would Require James Holmes To Undergo Strict Background Check Before Purchasing Firearms

WASHINGTON—Following months of intense debate in the House and Senate, Congress announced Wednesday the passage of sweeping new legislation requiring Aurora theater shooter James Holmes to undergo a mandatory, rigorous background check before purchasing a gun. “This law will go a long way in making sure firearm dealers first search a federal and statewide database of criminal records and ensure a clean bill of mental health before selling any weapons to James Holmes,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that lawmakers have also instituted a seven-day waiting period before Holmes can purchase assault rifles. “Under these new provisions, Mr. Holmes will also be forced to register any high-capacity magazines and will have a strict limit on the number of weapons he can buy at one time. These regulations are just simple common sense and, frankly, long overdue.” At press time, the law had been heavily criticized by the National Rifle Association, who claimed that it infringes on Mr. Holmes’ Constitutional rights.

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