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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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New Gun Law Would Require James Holmes To Undergo Strict Background Check Before Purchasing Firearms

WASHINGTON—Following months of intense debate in the House and Senate, Congress announced Wednesday the passage of sweeping new legislation requiring Aurora theater shooter James Holmes to undergo a mandatory, rigorous background check before purchasing a gun. “This law will go a long way in making sure firearm dealers first search a federal and statewide database of criminal records and ensure a clean bill of mental health before selling any weapons to James Holmes,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that lawmakers have also instituted a seven-day waiting period before Holmes can purchase assault rifles. “Under these new provisions, Mr. Holmes will also be forced to register any high-capacity magazines and will have a strict limit on the number of weapons he can buy at one time. These regulations are just simple common sense and, frankly, long overdue.” At press time, the law had been heavily criticized by the National Rifle Association, who claimed that it infringes on Mr. Holmes’ Constitutional rights.

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