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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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New Gun Law Would Require James Holmes To Undergo Strict Background Check Before Purchasing Firearms

WASHINGTON—Following months of intense debate in the House and Senate, Congress announced Wednesday the passage of sweeping new legislation requiring Aurora theater shooter James Holmes to undergo a mandatory, rigorous background check before purchasing a gun. “This law will go a long way in making sure firearm dealers first search a federal and statewide database of criminal records and ensure a clean bill of mental health before selling any weapons to James Holmes,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that lawmakers have also instituted a seven-day waiting period before Holmes can purchase assault rifles. “Under these new provisions, Mr. Holmes will also be forced to register any high-capacity magazines and will have a strict limit on the number of weapons he can buy at one time. These regulations are just simple common sense and, frankly, long overdue.” At press time, the law had been heavily criticized by the National Rifle Association, who claimed that it infringes on Mr. Holmes’ Constitutional rights.

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