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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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New Gun Law Would Require James Holmes To Undergo Strict Background Check Before Purchasing Firearms

WASHINGTON—Following months of intense debate in the House and Senate, Congress announced Wednesday the passage of sweeping new legislation requiring Aurora theater shooter James Holmes to undergo a mandatory, rigorous background check before purchasing a gun. “This law will go a long way in making sure firearm dealers first search a federal and statewide database of criminal records and ensure a clean bill of mental health before selling any weapons to James Holmes,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that lawmakers have also instituted a seven-day waiting period before Holmes can purchase assault rifles. “Under these new provisions, Mr. Holmes will also be forced to register any high-capacity magazines and will have a strict limit on the number of weapons he can buy at one time. These regulations are just simple common sense and, frankly, long overdue.” At press time, the law had been heavily criticized by the National Rifle Association, who claimed that it infringes on Mr. Holmes’ Constitutional rights.

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