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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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New Gym Member Lingers By Free Weights For Several Seconds Before Returning To Elliptical Machine

EAGAN, MN—After tentatively approaching the extensive rack of dumbbells located along the gym’s wall, new Bally Total Fitness member Brian Vinje was seen lingering in the vicinity of the free weights for several seconds Thursday before returning to the elliptical machine on which he had previously been exercising, onlookers reported. According to accounts, Vinje took roughly eight seconds to peruse the wide selection of weights, lightly touching the grip of a 20-pound dumbbell for a moment, before retreating a short distance and briefly pretending to become occupied by a poster of human musculature on the wall. While reportedly pausing to cast a furtive glance around the room, Vinje is said to have made fleeting eye contact with another gym-goer seated on a nearby bench, causing him, by all accounts, to abruptly jerk his gaze back to the rack and to scan it as if searching for a specific desired weight. At press time, Vinje was seen with his eyes focused downward as he once again engaged the default settings on the elliptical trainer.

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