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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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New Gym Member Lingers By Free Weights For Several Seconds Before Returning To Elliptical Machine

EAGAN, MN—After tentatively approaching the extensive rack of dumbbells located along the gym’s wall, new Bally Total Fitness member Brian Vinje was seen lingering in the vicinity of the free weights for several seconds Thursday before returning to the elliptical machine on which he had previously been exercising, onlookers reported. According to accounts, Vinje took roughly eight seconds to peruse the wide selection of weights, lightly touching the grip of a 20-pound dumbbell for a moment, before retreating a short distance and briefly pretending to become occupied by a poster of human musculature on the wall. While reportedly pausing to cast a furtive glance around the room, Vinje is said to have made fleeting eye contact with another gym-goer seated on a nearby bench, causing him, by all accounts, to abruptly jerk his gaze back to the rack and to scan it as if searching for a specific desired weight. At press time, Vinje was seen with his eyes focused downward as he once again engaged the default settings on the elliptical trainer.

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