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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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New Gym Member Lingers By Free Weights For Several Seconds Before Returning To Elliptical Machine

EAGAN, MN—After tentatively approaching the extensive rack of dumbbells located along the gym’s wall, new Bally Total Fitness member Brian Vinje was seen lingering in the vicinity of the free weights for several seconds Thursday before returning to the elliptical machine on which he had previously been exercising, onlookers reported. According to accounts, Vinje took roughly eight seconds to peruse the wide selection of weights, lightly touching the grip of a 20-pound dumbbell for a moment, before retreating a short distance and briefly pretending to become occupied by a poster of human musculature on the wall. While reportedly pausing to cast a furtive glance around the room, Vinje is said to have made fleeting eye contact with another gym-goer seated on a nearby bench, causing him, by all accounts, to abruptly jerk his gaze back to the rack and to scan it as if searching for a specific desired weight. At press time, Vinje was seen with his eyes focused downward as he once again engaged the default settings on the elliptical trainer.

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