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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Gym Member Lingers By Free Weights For Several Seconds Before Returning To Elliptical Machine

EAGAN, MN—After tentatively approaching the extensive rack of dumbbells located along the gym’s wall, new Bally Total Fitness member Brian Vinje was seen lingering in the vicinity of the free weights for several seconds Thursday before returning to the elliptical machine on which he had previously been exercising, onlookers reported. According to accounts, Vinje took roughly eight seconds to peruse the wide selection of weights, lightly touching the grip of a 20-pound dumbbell for a moment, before retreating a short distance and briefly pretending to become occupied by a poster of human musculature on the wall. While reportedly pausing to cast a furtive glance around the room, Vinje is said to have made fleeting eye contact with another gym-goer seated on a nearby bench, causing him, by all accounts, to abruptly jerk his gaze back to the rack and to scan it as if searching for a specific desired weight. At press time, Vinje was seen with his eyes focused downward as he once again engaged the default settings on the elliptical trainer.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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