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New Hampshire Primary Excites Tiny Percentage Of Population Who Even Cares What Happens Anymore

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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New Hampshire Primary Excites Tiny Percentage Of Population Who Even Cares What Happens Anymore

CONCORD, NH—Today's New Hampshire primary, considered crucial to determining 2012's Republican presidential nominee, has excited the tiny percentage of Americans who even give a damn what happens anymore, political analysts told reporters. "What's happening here is absolutely electrifying to the few people still capable of clinging to a shred of trust in any public institution remaining in the United States," said pundit Marcus Brennan, describing the meager segment of the U.S. populace that has yet to be beaten into apathy by two wars, a terrible economy, daily life, and a highly dysfunctional federal government. "Of the citizens glued to their television sets this evening, perhaps as many as .005 percent of them will be awaiting the results with bated breath. It's a great day for America." Tonight's results are expected to impact the upcoming South Carolina primary, which is highly anticipated by the estimated dozen or so Americans who will be remotely conscious of a single fucking thing that's going on by then.

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