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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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New Hampshire Primary Excites Tiny Percentage Of Population Who Even Cares What Happens Anymore

CONCORD, NH—Today's New Hampshire primary, considered crucial to determining 2012's Republican presidential nominee, has excited the tiny percentage of Americans who even give a damn what happens anymore, political analysts told reporters. "What's happening here is absolutely electrifying to the few people still capable of clinging to a shred of trust in any public institution remaining in the United States," said pundit Marcus Brennan, describing the meager segment of the U.S. populace that has yet to be beaten into apathy by two wars, a terrible economy, daily life, and a highly dysfunctional federal government. "Of the citizens glued to their television sets this evening, perhaps as many as .005 percent of them will be awaiting the results with bated breath. It's a great day for America." Tonight's results are expected to impact the upcoming South Carolina primary, which is highly anticipated by the estimated dozen or so Americans who will be remotely conscious of a single fucking thing that's going on by then.

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