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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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New Hank Aaron Biography Reveals He Hated Hitting Home Runs

NEW YORK—In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through the baseball world, Howard Bryant's recently published biography, The Last Hero: The Life Of Henry Aaron, reports that the Hall of Fame slugger actually despised hitting home runs. "They felt disgusting. Revolting. That's why I put off hitting the record-breaking home run for so long," Aaron says in an interview that appears in a chapter titled "Chasing The Bambino." "Lifting up my head to track the ball through the sky gave me terrible migraines, and I actually despised hitting the sweet spot of the bat. You couldn't feel anything. Nothing, except complete and utter emptiness." In the book, Aaron also reveals that he loved to bunt, claiming that he never felt more alive than when he'd tap the ball with his bat and watch it roll several inches and stop.

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