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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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New Health Insurance Law Lets Employers Refuse To Cover Contraceptives If They’re Morally Opposed To Women

Many employers argue that being forced to provide birth control fundamentally erodes their traditional, long-held objections to the female gender.
Many employers argue that being forced to provide birth control fundamentally erodes their traditional, long-held objections to the female gender.

WASHINGTON—Ensuring that business owners’ basic freedoms remain adequately protected, a new health insurance law passed Wednesday allows employers to refuse to pay for contraceptives if they are morally opposed to women.

The Corporate Conscience and Ethical Protection Act, sponsored by Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), exempts businesses from including prescription contraceptives, morning-after pills, and other forms of birth control in their employee health plans if such companies object to females on moral or ethical grounds. According to its backers, the federal statute permits these employers to act in accordance with their aversion to women, thereby safeguarding their most fundamentally held principles.

“An employer’s choice to oppose women is among its most basic constitutional rights, and one that the government must uphold,” McConnell told Capitol Hill reporters, emphasizing that Congress has no authority to impinge upon the core beliefs of businesses that choose not to cover contraceptive drugs and devices for a gender they do not recognize as legitimate. “Thanks to this landmark piece of legislation, companies will never be required to conduct business in a manner that is in any way inconsistent with their longstanding moral convictions against all women.”

“This nation was founded on the freedom to express one’s beliefs in all aspects of life, ” he continued. “Therefore, the government cannot compel private employers to do anything that undermines their firm and time-honored stance against that particular half of the population.”

The Corporate Conscience Act’s legislative advocates reportedly drew the support of thousands of industry representatives across the country, who in the past have decried what they considered overreaching federal regulations restricting their ability to make decisions informed by their steadfast opposition to all individuals who are not male.

Companies ranging in size from multinational corporations to small, family-owned retailers have asserted their right to operate according to their deeply ingrained views against the world’s mothers, daughters, sisters, and wives. Many of these individuals told reporters that without the protections afforded by the newly enacted law, a contraceptive mandate would effectively require them to abandon their corporate culture, which they claim is firmly rooted in their traditional anti-woman principles.

“This is a family company, and rejecting women has been part of the way we do business since my grandfather opened his first location in 1948,” said Eugene, OR resident and Willamette Distributing owner Anthony Hahn, insisting that decades spent disregarding every other human being represents a core value system that is the bedrock of his enterprise. “Our opposition to women has informed countless decisions we’ve made over the years and shaped this company into what it is today. It impacts how we work with our customers and how we treat our employees. And no Washington bureaucrat should be able to get in the way.”

“It’s up to us to make sure the government respects everyone’s rights,” he added.

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