New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise To Aid In American Swallowing

Top Headlines


Starbucks Doubleshot

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

Tips For Last-Minute Test Cramming

With the academic year winding down at grade schools and colleges across the country, students are buckling down and trying to maximize their study time before taking final exams. Here are some helpful tips as you cram for a test

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

New Viacom Ad Tells Employees To Get Back To Work

NEW YORK—Viacom, the global media conglomerate that includes such properties as CBS, Paramount Pictures, MTV, Nickelodeon, UPN, Showtime, Blockbuster Video, and Simon and Schuster, began airing a TV ad Monday that orders its employees to get back to work. "Worker efficiency needed a little boost," said Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone. "But instead of sending an e-mail to everyone at all of our subsidiaries, we just televised a 'Look alive, people' warning during Ricki Lake." The 30-second spot also included a reminder that discussion of Super Bowl pools should occur at breaks only.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Starbucks Doubleshot

New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise To Aid In American Swallowing

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ–The act of swallowing will soon be easier for millions of food-shoveling Americans, thanks to QX-1, a revolutionary new high-viscosity/low-friction mayonnaise developed by scientists at Hellmann's.

<B>1.</B> QX-1 applied to food, reducing frictional coefficient and aiding consumption <B>2.</B> Long-chain mayocules form thin protective lubricant on esophagus, increasing food-intake efficiency and preventing seizing and choking <B>3.</B> Synthetic additives fight sludge buildup and reduce toxic emissions

The mayonnaise, which received FDA approval Monday and is set to hit the nation's shelves early next month, utilizes special lubricant additives and anti-breakdown agents to help keep America's high-intake gullets running smoothly and efficiently.

"Americans' high-load, high-capacity eating puts a tremendous amount of stress on the alimentary canal," Hellmann's mayochemical engineer Gerald Lund said. "Often, when the canal is overtaxed, it can 'seize up,' resulting in choking and, in some cases, total eater breakdown. QX-1 was formulated with today's harder-working ingestion in mind."

According to Lund, QX-1 smooths food intake by forming a protective barrier between typical fist-sized food chunks and the delicate moving parts of digestive tracts, enabling American eaters to wolf down food at a rate long believed prohibitively dangerous.

"Americans equipped with QX-1 will able to eat longer, faster and harder," Lund said. "When you're absolutely stuffed, but you've got to somehow cram that last turkey leg into your food-packed maw, cover it with a generous coat of QX-1. QX-1 gives you the edge you need."

Before ingesting extra-large food items, Lund recommended that eaters also squeeze a liberal amount of QX-1 down their throats.

Selma, AL, eater Barb Hodges swallows a chicken drumstick with the aid of Hellmann's QX-1.

"In laboratory tests conducted by Hellmann's scientists, test eaters whose throats were pre-coated with QX-1 were able to accommodate chocolate eclairs with a diameter 150 percent greater than that of their esophagi," Lund said. "Even more impressive, because QX-1's compound polymayonic structure can withstand an extremely high gradient of temperature and pressure, test eaters were able to swallow entire unmasticated six-pound pork roasts straight out of the oven."

"In another test," Lund said, "we filled a dozen two-gallon-capacity bowls with delicious tuna salad, one made with QX-1 mayonnaise and the other 11 with competing low-viscosity brands. We then gave 12 hungry Americans large ladles and directed them to begin eating the tuna salad without chewing, just as they would at home. All the eaters seized up and suffered internal stress breakdowns after 30 seconds, with the exception of the QX-1 user, who was still shoveling it in 15 minutes later. That's high-performance mayo."

In addition to facilitating the intake of food, QX-1 aids in its outtake, helping food slide through the intestines and out the rectum as easily as it entered. And QX-1's specially formulated synthetic lubricants coat the walls of the stomach, promoting clean burning and reducing toxic emissions.

"What's more," Lund said, "QX-1 helps carry away the harmful particles–such as sesame seeds, chicken bones and plastic-fork tines–that can cause major wear and tear on heavy-duty eaters."

Hellmann's officials said the new product was developed in response to the nation's dwindling Chews-Per-Bite Ratio.

"Twenty years ago, the typical American chewed his food 30 times before swallowing," Hellmann's vice-president of product development Christopher McCue said. "Since then, the average number of chews per bite has fallen to a mere 2.6. Our projections indicate that by 2010, chewing will disappear altogether. Clearly, a product had to be developed to address this."

QX-1 is earning raves from gluttons across the U.S. "Before, I could barely eat four chili cheese dogs in a single sitting," said 377-pound Dennis Luedtke of Phoenix, one of 25 test markets for the new product. "But with Hellmann's QX-1, I can easily ram down eight."

"From barbecued ribs to fried funnel cakes, I never stuff my face without first slathering Hellmann's QX-1 high-viscosity mayo all down my gullet," said Johnson City, TN, eater JoAnne Durbin, enjoying a mayonnaise-covered steak burrito. "And the patented E-Z Pour spout makes it easy to hit those hard-to-reach spots behind the tongue. QX-1 is the brand I trust for all my gorging needs."

Productivity Video