ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ–The act of swallowing will soon be easier for millions of food-shoveling Americans, thanks to QX-1, a revolutionary new high-viscosity/low-friction mayonnaise developed by scientists at Hellmann's.
The mayonnaise, which received FDA approval Monday and is set to hit the nation's shelves early next month, utilizes special lubricant additives and anti-breakdown agents to help keep America's high-intake gullets running smoothly and efficiently.
"Americans' high-load, high-capacity eating puts a tremendous amount of stress on the alimentary canal," Hellmann's mayochemical engineer Gerald Lund said. "Often, when the canal is overtaxed, it can 'seize up,' resulting in choking and, in some cases, total eater breakdown. QX-1 was formulated with today's harder-working ingestion in mind."
According to Lund, QX-1 smooths food intake by forming a protective barrier between typical fist-sized food chunks and the delicate moving parts of digestive tracts, enabling American eaters to wolf down food at a rate long believed prohibitively dangerous.
"Americans equipped with QX-1 will able to eat longer, faster and harder," Lund said. "When you're absolutely stuffed, but you've got to somehow cram that last turkey leg into your food-packed maw, cover it with a generous coat of QX-1. QX-1 gives you the edge you need."
Before ingesting extra-large food items, Lund recommended that eaters also squeeze a liberal amount of QX-1 down their throats.
"In laboratory tests conducted by Hellmann's scientists, test eaters whose throats were pre-coated with QX-1 were able to accommodate chocolate eclairs with a diameter 150 percent greater than that of their esophagi," Lund said. "Even more impressive, because QX-1's compound polymayonic structure can withstand an extremely high gradient of temperature and pressure, test eaters were able to swallow entire unmasticated six-pound pork roasts straight out of the oven."
"In another test," Lund said, "we filled a dozen two-gallon-capacity bowls with delicious tuna salad, one made with QX-1 mayonnaise and the other 11 with competing low-viscosity brands. We then gave 12 hungry Americans large ladles and directed them to begin eating the tuna salad without chewing, just as they would at home. All the eaters seized up and suffered internal stress breakdowns after 30 seconds, with the exception of the QX-1 user, who was still shoveling it in 15 minutes later. That's high-performance mayo."
In addition to facilitating the intake of food, QX-1 aids in its outtake, helping food slide through the intestines and out the rectum as easily as it entered. And QX-1's specially formulated synthetic lubricants coat the walls of the stomach, promoting clean burning and reducing toxic emissions.
"What's more," Lund said, "QX-1 helps carry away the harmful particles–such as sesame seeds, chicken bones and plastic-fork tines–that can cause major wear and tear on heavy-duty eaters."
Hellmann's officials said the new product was developed in response to the nation's dwindling Chews-Per-Bite Ratio.
"Twenty years ago, the typical American chewed his food 30 times before swallowing," Hellmann's vice-president of product development Christopher McCue said. "Since then, the average number of chews per bite has fallen to a mere 2.6. Our projections indicate that by 2010, chewing will disappear altogether. Clearly, a product had to be developed to address this."
QX-1 is earning raves from gluttons across the U.S. "Before, I could barely eat four chili cheese dogs in a single sitting," said 377-pound Dennis Luedtke of Phoenix, one of 25 test markets for the new product. "But with Hellmann's QX-1, I can easily ram down eight."
"From barbecued ribs to fried funnel cakes, I never stuff my face without first slathering Hellmann's QX-1 high-viscosity mayo all down my gullet," said Johnson City, TN, eater JoAnne Durbin, enjoying a mayonnaise-covered steak burrito. "And the patented E-Z Pour spout makes it easy to hit those hard-to-reach spots behind the tongue. QX-1 is the brand I trust for all my gorging needs."