Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News

New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise To Aid In American Swallowing

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ–The act of swallowing will soon be easier for millions of food-shoveling Americans, thanks to QX-1, a revolutionary new high-viscosity/low-friction mayonnaise developed by scientists at Hellmann's.

<B>1.</B> QX-1 applied to food, reducing frictional coefficient and aiding consumption <B>2.</B> Long-chain mayocules form thin protective lubricant on esophagus, increasing food-intake efficiency and preventing seizing and choking <B>3.</B> Synthetic additives fight sludge buildup and reduce toxic emissions

The mayonnaise, which received FDA approval Monday and is set to hit the nation's shelves early next month, utilizes special lubricant additives and anti-breakdown agents to help keep America's high-intake gullets running smoothly and efficiently.

"Americans' high-load, high-capacity eating puts a tremendous amount of stress on the alimentary canal," Hellmann's mayochemical engineer Gerald Lund said. "Often, when the canal is overtaxed, it can 'seize up,' resulting in choking and, in some cases, total eater breakdown. QX-1 was formulated with today's harder-working ingestion in mind."

According to Lund, QX-1 smooths food intake by forming a protective barrier between typical fist-sized food chunks and the delicate moving parts of digestive tracts, enabling American eaters to wolf down food at a rate long believed prohibitively dangerous.

"Americans equipped with QX-1 will able to eat longer, faster and harder," Lund said. "When you're absolutely stuffed, but you've got to somehow cram that last turkey leg into your food-packed maw, cover it with a generous coat of QX-1. QX-1 gives you the edge you need."

Before ingesting extra-large food items, Lund recommended that eaters also squeeze a liberal amount of QX-1 down their throats.

Selma, AL, eater Barb Hodges swallows a chicken drumstick with the aid of Hellmann's QX-1.

"In laboratory tests conducted by Hellmann's scientists, test eaters whose throats were pre-coated with QX-1 were able to accommodate chocolate eclairs with a diameter 150 percent greater than that of their esophagi," Lund said. "Even more impressive, because QX-1's compound polymayonic structure can withstand an extremely high gradient of temperature and pressure, test eaters were able to swallow entire unmasticated six-pound pork roasts straight out of the oven."

"In another test," Lund said, "we filled a dozen two-gallon-capacity bowls with delicious tuna salad, one made with QX-1 mayonnaise and the other 11 with competing low-viscosity brands. We then gave 12 hungry Americans large ladles and directed them to begin eating the tuna salad without chewing, just as they would at home. All the eaters seized up and suffered internal stress breakdowns after 30 seconds, with the exception of the QX-1 user, who was still shoveling it in 15 minutes later. That's high-performance mayo."

In addition to facilitating the intake of food, QX-1 aids in its outtake, helping food slide through the intestines and out the rectum as easily as it entered. And QX-1's specially formulated synthetic lubricants coat the walls of the stomach, promoting clean burning and reducing toxic emissions.

"What's more," Lund said, "QX-1 helps carry away the harmful particles–such as sesame seeds, chicken bones and plastic-fork tines–that can cause major wear and tear on heavy-duty eaters."

Hellmann's officials said the new product was developed in response to the nation's dwindling Chews-Per-Bite Ratio.

"Twenty years ago, the typical American chewed his food 30 times before swallowing," Hellmann's vice-president of product development Christopher McCue said. "Since then, the average number of chews per bite has fallen to a mere 2.6. Our projections indicate that by 2010, chewing will disappear altogether. Clearly, a product had to be developed to address this."

QX-1 is earning raves from gluttons across the U.S. "Before, I could barely eat four chili cheese dogs in a single sitting," said 377-pound Dennis Luedtke of Phoenix, one of 25 test markets for the new product. "But with Hellmann's QX-1, I can easily ram down eight."

"From barbecued ribs to fried funnel cakes, I never stuff my face without first slathering Hellmann's QX-1 high-viscosity mayo all down my gullet," said Johnson City, TN, eater JoAnne Durbin, enjoying a mayonnaise-covered steak burrito. "And the patented E-Z Pour spout makes it easy to hit those hard-to-reach spots behind the tongue. QX-1 is the brand I trust for all my gorging needs."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close