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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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New Hobby Sucks

ST. CLOUD, MN—Twenty-nine-year-old executive assistant Jake Dangler told reporters Monday that his newfound hobby of collecting ceramic figurines is "possibly the worst, most boring thing [he's] ever done in [his] entire life." "Now I got all these fucking creepy little angels and gnomes and shit cluttering up my house," said Dangler, who has wasted an estimated $650 on the collectibles, as well as several hours attending "horribly depressing" conventions with like-minded hobbyists. "What the hell am I supposed to do with these things? God, what an awful, awful way to spend my free time." Dangler added that he can't wait to quit the hated activity, as it will free up much-needed time to devote to his show-cat breeding.

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