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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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New Hobby Sucks

ST. CLOUD, MN—Twenty-nine-year-old executive assistant Jake Dangler told reporters Monday that his newfound hobby of collecting ceramic figurines is "possibly the worst, most boring thing [he's] ever done in [his] entire life." "Now I got all these fucking creepy little angels and gnomes and shit cluttering up my house," said Dangler, who has wasted an estimated $650 on the collectibles, as well as several hours attending "horribly depressing" conventions with like-minded hobbyists. "What the hell am I supposed to do with these things? God, what an awful, awful way to spend my free time." Dangler added that he can't wait to quit the hated activity, as it will free up much-needed time to devote to his show-cat breeding.

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