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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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New Homeowner Suddenly Fascinated By Molding

BUCKEYE, AZ—Friends of Michael Ziglar said Monday that, since he purchased his three-bedroom ranch home in April, Ziglar has become endlessly fascinated by molding. "This is a guy who, one year ago, didn't know molding from a ceiling fan," said Colin Pasternak, Ziglar's friend. "Now, suddenly, he's lecturing me on the pros and cons of cavetto versus beak molding. I wish he'd shut up about wall niches and go back to Stargate." Ziglar was unavailable for comment, as he was at a local hardware store pricing decorative wainscotting.

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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

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