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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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New Hulk Hogan Autobiography 300 Pages About The Psychology Of The Leg Drop

NEW YORK—Reviewers of Hulk Hogan's recently released autobiography My Life Outside The Ring were surprised to find that, aside from three chapters containing sketchy details of the wrestler's Florida childhood, the book contained nothing more than a highly detailed psychological analysis of the atomic leg drop, Hogan's signature wrestling move. "While the physical power of the leg drop itself is not inconsiderable, its true impact is to the confidence and self-image of the inner wrestler—an ego-driven class of para-performer/pseudo-athlete whose self-image is a carefully assembled yet delicate mental construct," writes Hogan, the six-time WWF champion and reality-show star. "Moreover, those subjects who undergo repeated application of the leg drop usually develop habits of inadvertent and almost universally negative introspection, i.e., the tendency to question exactly why they entered the ring with the person or persons subjecting them to said leg drop." Sports psychologists are calling My Life Outside The Ring an innovative if somewhat single-minded opus, marred only by Hogan's rather didactic prose style and frequent mentions of his desire to leg drop his ex-wife, Linda.

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