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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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New, Improved Google Maps Lets User Launch Missile At Any Location On Globe

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced Wednesday that their newest version of Maps will enable users to fire a missile at any location on the planet. “Simply zoom in on any point on the map, set the crosshairs, and tap the ‘Launch’ button, and a Google satellite will immediately send an ASM cruise missile accurate within 5 feet,” said Maps product manager Jason Murawski, adding that the feature is available on both iPhone iOS and Android operating systems, whereupon the missile’s flight path can also be tracked in real time. “If you need a closer look at a target, just go to Street View, which enables you to go up and down a city block and set multiple airstrike markers. You can even explore the interiors of certain buildings, should you want to attack a specific floor or section of a structure.” At press time, massive explosions had been reported at a neighborhood park in Cleveland, a restaurant in Lawrenceville, NJ, and the Eiffel Tower.

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