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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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New, Improved Google Maps Lets User Launch Missile At Any Location On Globe

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced Wednesday that their newest version of Maps will enable users to fire a missile at any location on the planet. “Simply zoom in on any point on the map, set the crosshairs, and tap the ‘Launch’ button, and a Google satellite will immediately send an ASM cruise missile accurate within 5 feet,” said Maps product manager Jason Murawski, adding that the feature is available on both iPhone iOS and Android operating systems, whereupon the missile’s flight path can also be tracked in real time. “If you need a closer look at a target, just go to Street View, which enables you to go up and down a city block and set multiple airstrike markers. You can even explore the interiors of certain buildings, should you want to attack a specific floor or section of a structure.” At press time, massive explosions had been reported at a neighborhood park in Cleveland, a restaurant in Lawrenceville, NJ, and the Eiffel Tower.

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