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New, Improved Google Maps Lets User Launch Missile At Any Location On Globe

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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New, Improved Google Maps Lets User Launch Missile At Any Location On Globe

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced Wednesday that their newest version of Maps will enable users to fire a missile at any location on the planet. “Simply zoom in on any point on the map, set the crosshairs, and tap the ‘Launch’ button, and a Google satellite will immediately send an ASM cruise missile accurate within 5 feet,” said Maps product manager Jason Murawski, adding that the feature is available on both iPhone iOS and Android operating systems, whereupon the missile’s flight path can also be tracked in real time. “If you need a closer look at a target, just go to Street View, which enables you to go up and down a city block and set multiple airstrike markers. You can even explore the interiors of certain buildings, should you want to attack a specific floor or section of a structure.” At press time, massive explosions had been reported at a neighborhood park in Cleveland, a restaurant in Lawrenceville, NJ, and the Eiffel Tower.

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