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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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New iPhone Application Tracks Progress Of Deceased Loved Ones' Decomposition

CUPERTINO, CA—According to its description on the Apple App Store website, Decomposhop, a new application that allows users to track the putrefaction of their deceased loved ones in real time, will be available for download by grieving iPhone owners starting Tuesday. "Decomposhop lets you import open casket photos, enter a date of death, and then watch over time as the face of a friend or family member slowly shrivels up beyond recognition," read a description of the product, which applies a decay algorithm to replicate the deterioration of human remains from bloat to liquefaction to dry rot. "With this revolutionary, fully iPhone 4 compatible app, you can see if your father is still wearing the suit you buried him in and receive customized alerts when the bones really start to poke out. $3.99." Developers told reporters that an iPad version with enhanced graphics and optional olfactory simulator will be out in time for Christmas.

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