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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program

TEHRAN—After touring various energy plants and fusion reactors throughout the country, newly elected Iranian President Hasan Rowhani told reporters Monday that he is incredibly impressed with the Islamic republic’s advanced nuclear weapons program. “Wow, I was originally under the impression that we were months if not years away from fully functional nuclear warheads, but they’re all pretty much ready to go,” said Rowhani, adding that he was “really amazed” after seeing enough fully enriched weapons-grade uranium for “hundreds of atomic bombs.” “I had no idea that our long-range rockets and launching mechanisms were so up to speed as well—they’re way further along than I thought. This is great stuff. We should be ready for test strikes any day now.” Rowhani added that he is especially excited about Iran’s recent development of nuclear missiles capable of reaching both Tel Aviv and Washington, D.C.

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