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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program

TEHRAN—After touring various energy plants and fusion reactors throughout the country, newly elected Iranian President Hasan Rowhani told reporters Monday that he is incredibly impressed with the Islamic republic’s advanced nuclear weapons program. “Wow, I was originally under the impression that we were months if not years away from fully functional nuclear warheads, but they’re all pretty much ready to go,” said Rowhani, adding that he was “really amazed” after seeing enough fully enriched weapons-grade uranium for “hundreds of atomic bombs.” “I had no idea that our long-range rockets and launching mechanisms were so up to speed as well—they’re way further along than I thought. This is great stuff. We should be ready for test strikes any day now.” Rowhani added that he is especially excited about Iran’s recent development of nuclear missiles capable of reaching both Tel Aviv and Washington, D.C.

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