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New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program

TEHRAN—After touring various energy plants and fusion reactors throughout the country, newly elected Iranian President Hasan Rowhani told reporters Monday that he is incredibly impressed with the Islamic republic’s advanced nuclear weapons program. “Wow, I was originally under the impression that we were months if not years away from fully functional nuclear warheads, but they’re all pretty much ready to go,” said Rowhani, adding that he was “really amazed” after seeing enough fully enriched weapons-grade uranium for “hundreds of atomic bombs.” “I had no idea that our long-range rockets and launching mechanisms were so up to speed as well—they’re way further along than I thought. This is great stuff. We should be ready for test strikes any day now.” Rowhani added that he is especially excited about Iran’s recent development of nuclear missiles capable of reaching both Tel Aviv and Washington, D.C.

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