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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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New Jackie Robinson Movie Probably Has Scene Where People Yell Things And He’s Upset And Wants To Fight Back But Doesn’t

LOS ANGELES—In anticipation of the release today of 42, the new Jackie Robinson biopic, moviegoers speculated that the film about the first African-American to play major-league baseball in the modern era most likely includes a scene in which a bunch of people yell horrible racist things at him and he’s upset and wants to fight back but he doesn’t. “There’s probably this part where he walks into the stadium for the first time, and everyone’s shouting at him because he’s black and they don’t like that, and he wants to lash out, but then his friend grabs his arm and says, ‘Beat ’em on the field, Jackie,’ and so he just keeps walking,” said local man Clint Harrison, 36, who predicted that the movie might also include a scene in which Robinson wants to give up because everyone’s so mean to him, but then his strong-willed wife consoles him and tells him he needs to keep playing because it’s not just about him anymore. “And at the beginning, all the guys on his team aren’t sure if they like him, but then he plays really, really good and some of them start to like him, and after a while they win a bunch of games, and by the end everybody likes him. Yeah, just like that.” Harrison further conjectured that 42 is probably a bad movie.

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